Новости за 30.06.2023

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the move just made sense given the national importance of their rulings, the six conservative justices announced Friday that they had expanded the U.S. Supreme Court to include 40 of their right-wing buddies. “The Supreme Court is pleased to welcome a few stalwart conservative judges from…

A tourist in Rome was filmed carving his name and the name of his apparent girlfriend into the wall of the famous Colosseum, defacing the nearly 2,000-year-old building. What do you think?

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BINGHAMTON, NY—Officials and community leaders gathered for a grand unveiling Friday after a multimillion-dollar city beautification project reportedly resulted in three new blades of grass. The project, which sources confirmed got underway 13 years and three mayoral administrations ago, originally featured several…

ROSEVILLE, MN—Noting the awkward interaction that was playing out in front of them, sources told reporters Friday that a couple at a restaurant was obviously on their first breakup. “You can tell from the way they’re fidgeting while talking that they’re ending things for the first time,” said fellow diner Grace…

NEW YORK—As the league sought to crack down on players involved in gambling, the NFL announced this week the suspension of four players for violating the DraftKings terms of use. “The players in question are receiving indefinite suspensions for conduct that goes against the basic integrity of DraftKings and…

IRVINE, CA—Ambivalently promoting the menu item in a media campaign that launched Friday, a new Taco Bell ad urges customers to consider whether they are actually interested in trying the fast food restaurant’s Beefy 5-Layer Burrito. “Look, our goal at Taco Bell is to hawk whatever slop is gonna make us a buck, but…

SAN DIEGO—In an attempt to cater to a wider demographic, a local strip club reportedly installed a single pinball machine Friday to occupy the shy members of bachelor parties. “We’re pleased to announce the arrival of our new Addams Family pinball game, which shy members of a bachelor party can congregate around,…

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Florida governor and GOP presidential candidate Ron DeSantis recently unveiled an immigration policy in which he proposes eliminating birthright citizenship and authorizing border patrol officials to use deadly force. The Onion asked immigrants what they thought about DeSantis, and this is what they said.