Новости за 08.06.2023

INDIANAPOLIS—Convening to maintain the organization’s invisible hand of control across the globe, the New World Order held its annual meeting Thursday at an Indianapolis Marriott. “This worldwide cabal of shadowy power brokers needs a place it can meet to plot its continued domination of all human affairs, which is…

WASHINGTON—In what seemed like a surprisingly progressive 5-4 ruling, the Supreme Court upheld a voting rights law Thursday as a cover for what comes next. “Striking down the Republican-drawn congressional maps that discriminate against Black voters is nothing but a smokescreen for what shall arise soon,” said Chief…

LAS VEGAS—As smoke poured across the Eastern Seaboard, spreading dangerous pollutants into the metropolis, Mayor Eric Adams told reporters Thursday that photographs of a haze-covered New York City were making him glad he lived in Nevada. “Wow, happy I’m not in that hellhole—seems like another beautiful day in Sin…

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MILWAUKEE—Striding forth with presumptuous disregard for all in her path, a local woman pushing a stroller Thursday reportedly just assumed that everyone was going to move out of her way on the interstate. “That’s so annoying—she’s on a walk with her baby, and so she thinks all the other people trying to get where…

Apple unveiled Monday its first-ever augmented-reality headset, which will begin retailing next year. The Onion looks at the specs and cool features of the Apple Vision Pro.

The CDC has reported that food workers who showed up while sick or contagious were linked to about 40% of the 800 restaurant food poisoning outbreaks with a known cause between 2017 and 2019, citing lack of paid sick leave as one reason sick employees don’t stay home. What do you think?

JERUSALEM—Moaning aloud and appearing to bleed profusely as He descended from the heavens, Jesus Christ, the Redeemer of Mankind, was reportedly still nailed to the cross Thursday when He returned for the Second Coming. “I always thought that when He came back He would float down from the sky on a cloud or something,…

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AUSTIN, TX—Seeking to provide encouragement to his employees and motivate them to succeed, local CEO Steve Colton sent a company-wide email Thursday that reportedly inspired the staff of tech firm Edgeworth Solutions to start looking for another place to work. “I’d been feeling disillusioned with my job for quite a…

After a cheating scandal in their 10th season left viewers reeling, the cast members of reality show Vanderpump Rules reunited this week to air grievances, defend their decisions, and hopefully provide some sort of conclusion for their fans. Many longtime viewers have made up their minds and taken sides, and there are…

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A suburban school district in Utah has banned the Bible in elementary and middle schools after a parent frustrated by efforts to ban materials from schools argued that some Bible verses were too vulgar or violent for younger children. What do you think?