Новости за 22.06.2023

MONTREAL—Posting the helpful explainer to their social media to educate the online public, Pornhub released a graphic Thursday illustrating the depth of the OceanGate submersible compared to a 10-inch cock. “The OceanGate submersible was designed to make it 152,790 inches deeper than this veiny, throbbing member,”…

Twitter owner Elon Musk announced that certain words used to identify non-transgender people, like “cis” and “cisgender,” are now “considered slurs.” What do you think?

On Friday, June 16, ProPublica leveled two shameful and baseless accusations against me. First, that I should have recused myself from cases based on a fishing trip I took with Paul Singer, and second, that I should have filed said trip on a 2008 Financial Disclosure report. Neither charge, however, is valid.

WASHINGTON—As a rivalry over competing resolutions to impeach President Joe Biden came to a head Thursday, the simmering feud between Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (GA) and fellow MAGA Republican Rep. Lauren Boebert (CO) burst into public view Tuesday when Greene screamed, “I’m working through my anger issues, but even…

WASHINGTON—Analyzing the mistakes OceanGate made that led to the vessel’s disappearance, critics told reporters Thursday that the submersible should have been tested with poorer passengers first. “The company skipped the very crucial step of sending five lower-class people to the bottom of the ocean to make sure it…

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the fate of the missing Titan submersible, noted banging sound expert Stephen Beaumont confirmed Thursday that the noise detected underwater near the site of the OceanGate crew sounded like a banging sound. “Yep, that’s a banging sound,” said Beaumont, PhD, the world’s foremost expert…

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WASHINGTON— Jumping at the sudden, unexpected sound, reports across the United States confirmed Thursday that the nation was startled by a loud noise. “Ah! Oh my god, what was that?” said 330 million Americans, noting that their heart just started beating harder. “Seriously, that was scary. It sounded like it was…

MAR-A-LAGO, FL—Still reeling from the recently unsealed federal indictment that included over 37 felony counts against him, 45th president of the United States Donald Trump spent a contemplative morning in his office Thursday tapping golf balls into Rudy Giuliani’s mouth. “Oh, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, what am I to do?” said…

Hunter Biden, the son of sitting President Joe Biden, is expected to plead guilty to two federal misdemeanor counts of failing to pay upwards of $100,000 in income taxes in 2017 and 2018. The Onion asked Americans how they felt about Biden opting to take a plea agreement, and this is what they said.

According to researchers, a former white nationalist leader said he changed his extremist views after taking the “love drug” MDMA as part of a scientific study. What do you think?

Around one in three Americans say they have used fertility treatments or know someone who has in the effort to successfully conceive a child, but there are many considerations that go into choosing a fertility treatment that’s right for you. The Onion takes a deep dive into the kinds of fertility treatments out there.

RIO RANCHO, NM—Providing sources with a wishy-washy response to the question, local man Terrence Chase confirmed Thursday that he would not necessarily describe himself as at risk of suicide, but he was definitely open to it. “It’s not something I would commit to at this time, but who knows, things change—I could be…

VICTORIA, SEYCHELLES—Insisting that their unimaginable wealth isolated them from the hard day-to-day work of blood harvesting, the world’s billionaires released a collective statement Thursday knocking out-of-touch centibillionaires for not knowing how much a gallon of adrenochrome costs. “These ultra, ultrarich…