Новости за 02.06.2023

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NATIONAL HARBOR, MD—In a sternly worded condemnation that took the 14-year-old to task for violating the rules to obtain an unfair advantage, the 2023 Scripps National Spelling Bee winner Dev Shah was disqualified Friday when it was confirmed he had received in advance all 26 letters needed to spell the words.…

SINGAPORE—Insisting that he didn’t know how they had made such a simple mistake, an embarrassed U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin reportedly excused himself from the Shangri-La Dialogue Asian defense summit Friday after realizing America was not in Asia. “Oh God, sorry about that, we’re not even in the right…

A new report revealed that the Denver Nuggets mascot, Rocky the Mountain Lion, is the NBA’s highest-paid mascot, taking home $625,000 a year, almost 10 times that of the average $60,000 salary for a league mascot. What do you think?

MINNEAPOLIS—Responding to conservative backlash over a large selection of offerings for the month of June, Target announced Friday that they would scale back their gay pride section to a single t-shirt, saying they’d do a threesome with a girl for their boyfriend’s birthday. “It’s a one-night-only thing, and we’ll…

ATLANTA—The heavily anticipated fight between the former U.S. president and the YouTube personality ended in a TKO Thursday night as Jimmy Carter won his debut boxing match against Jake Paul. The cruiserweight match, first announced in early April, pitted the 6-foot-1, 191-pound Paul against the 5-foot-10, 190-pound…

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SAN JOSE, CA—Cheering with open arms and smiling faces tilted upward, the world reportedly rejoiced Friday as a new batch of billionaires descended from the sky. “Joyous day! A new batch of elite billionaires comes from on high to bless us with their presence!” said local woman Patty Boyle, speaking on behalf of the…

NEW YORK—Showcasing what it touted as “the cutting edge of pork” to an audience of industry bigwigs and assorted VIPs, deli meat supplier Boar’s Head held an exhibition Friday to show off its new chrome-plated concept ham. “This visionary ham of the future gives you a conceptual understanding of where we’re headed,…

PASADENA, CA—Noting that his initial booking didn’t say anything about the additional charge, local man Patrick Reyes told reporters Friday he was annoyed when his Airbnb bill included a survival fee. “What the hell, they just charged me $129.99 out of nowhere and said that unless I paid, I wouldn’t be allowed to…

BETHESDA, MD—Adjusting revenue expectations in light of resilient demand for massacring those who just want to live their lives, defense contractor Lockheed Martin boosted its earnings outlook in a conference call with investors Friday, citing billions of innocent people still left to kill. “Given that the total…

JERUSALEM—Shedding new light on the religious leader’s personal life, historians announced the discovery of new evidence Friday that suggests Jesus Christ made an annoying smacking sound after every sip of wine. “We’ve recovered a portion of a previously unexamined ancient text that details Jesus of Nazareth blessing…

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Though it is not FDA-approved for weight loss, Ozempic, an injectable drug used to treat diabetes, has helped users shit and puke away the pounds. These are things that you should never say to someone taking Ozempic.

DENVER—Asked for his comments on playing in his first NBA Finals, Denver Nuggets center Nikola Jokic told reporters Thursday night that he found basketball boring. “I do not find this sport very interesting at all,” said Jokic, adding that he was actually disappointed that the Nuggets reached the Finals, because there…