Новости за 14.06.2023

SAVANNAH, GA—Unable to revive the crushed, skeletal remains pulled from the rubble, first responders confirmed Wednesday that two people were still dead after a local mausoleum collapsed. “Upon sifting through the debris, we unfortunately found no survivors among the already deceased,” said rescue worker Brandon…

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Whether they’re making love, fornicating, or breeding, Americans love to fuck. The Onion looks at the most popular sexual position in every state.

HOUSTON—Crediting the quick thinking of defense attorneys for ensuring justice was done, authorities announced Wednesday that wrongly convicted death row inmate Michael Claremont had been exonerated mere hours after his execution. “Thanks to the valiant efforts of Mr. Claremont’s legal team, we determined he had…

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an apparent effort to sneak a quick peek at the voluptuous buttocks he spotted out of the corner of his eye, a local man was seen Wednesday turning his head to catch a glimpse of the backside of a duck waddling down the street past him. “Damn, them tail feathers got me weak,” 24-year-old Patrick King…

NEW YORK—Announcing what it described as an innovative and empowering new addition to its extensive line of beauty products, cosmetics giant L’Oréal unveiled Wednesday a large metal box its customers could lock themselves inside to hide from all their insecurities. “Say goodbye to every visible blemish and wrinkle…

SEATTLE—Shuddering while listening to the horrifying tale, a group of police officers reportedly were terrified Wednesday by the story of a tape that shows fentanyl and then 7 days later you die. “Apparently there’s this old VHS tape going around that shows grainy footage of a pile of fentanyl pills, and if you watch…

EMERYVILLE, CA—Announcing that the beloved widower from Up would return to screens this weekend, Pixar Animation Studios confirmed Tuesday that its newest short film featured Carl Fredricksen finally ready to fuck everything in sight. “Fans flocking to movie theaters to see Elemental this weekend will also be treated…

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