Новости за 12.06.2023

A 37-count criminal indictment against Donald Trump was unsealed Friday, revealing allegations that the former president willfully retained classified government records and conspired to prevent their return to U.S. officials. What do you think?

BUTNER, NC—Gathering in a circle as they admired the neatly wrapped package, prison officials confirmed Monday that they had found a beautiful present left for them in the late Ted Kaczynski’s cell. “Well, how splendid—he left us a little farewell gift,” said correctional officer Sean Arndt, who expressed his delight…

WASHINGTON—Insisting that he had done nearly everything right this time, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly failed his third consecutive driver’s test Monday. “It’s kind of bullshit, because it was really only the parallel parking part that I screwed up,” said Buttigieg, describing how he always…

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NEW HAVEN, CT—During an encounter in which two individuals held it for a brief moment before looking elsewhere, the last-ever eye contact in human history was reportedly made Monday. Body language experts who looked down at the ground as they spoke confirmed that the three seconds in which a supermarket cashier…

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MUNCIE, IN—Beginning to regret his decision to pursue that particular field, Ball State University valedictorian Zach Arizmendi told reporters Monday that he thought offers to be a professional valedictorian would come rolling in after graduation. “Considering how many people heard me speak, I thought some companies…

Public breastfeeding continues to become increasingly acceptable as more women decide to embrace motherhood without sacrificing their work or social lives. However, some men are not comfortable with such open displays of caregiving. We spoke to several men about why they believe breastfeeding in public should be…

THE HEAVENS—Stressing the act amounted to spitting directly on His holy edicts, the Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, announced Monday that He was still a little pissed off every time a human takes a bite from an apple. “Look, I know they probably don’t mean it, but I never told humanity they…

The USPS has released data showing the 10 worst “dog bite states” for its workers, with California seeing the most attacks on mail carriers last year with 674 incidents. What do you think?

DETROIT—Gazing down with envy at the docking station as it fantasized about how much greater life could be, a local sparrow confirmed Monday it would give up flying in a heartbeat for one ride on a Lime scooter. “Don’t get me wrong, flight’s fine, but zipping around town on one of those things would be awesome,” said…