Новости за 21.06.2023

Authorities are investigating nearly 100 letters containing a mysterious white powder that were addressed to several Republican lawmakers in Kansas, with the sender referring to themselves in the letters as “your secret despirer.” What do you think?

CHESTERFIELD, MO—Stating there was nothing he wanted more in the entire world than to be incarcerated in the eastern European nation, local 13-year-old Aiden Wilson was reportedly begging his parents Wednesday to let him go to Romanian prison. “Come on, Mom, you have to let me go—it’s where Andrew Tate is,” said…

WASHINGTON—Underscoring the impact of the pandemic on student learning, a new study released Wednesday by the Department of Education found that most U.S. students are unable to name all 50 numbers. “Assessments taken from students during the 2022 to 2023 school year showed that the majority of students can only name…

LOS ANGELES—The internet was lit ablaze with fierce debate Wednesday morning as cooking podcast host Lisa Quinn was reportedly under fire for her controversial claim that vaccines give you potatoes. “I’m just saying that there is data indicating that there are otherwise healthy people, kids even, who get vaccinated,…

Commentator Joe Rogan has a history of making contentious and problematic remarks on his incredibly popular podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience. The Onion examines some of his most controversial statements.

KALAMATA, GREECE—With time running out to ensure that no one made it out alive, emergency crews were dispatched Wednesday to help a boat full of refugees sink. “As soon as it became clear that a ship off the coast was carrying displaced peoples from the Middle East and North Africa, we immediately rushed into action…

ATLANTIC OCEAN—In the midst of a frantic search for the missing OceanGate submersible on Wednesday, rescue teams reportedly detected the sound of Savage Garden’s “Truly, Madly, Deeply” playing underwater. “We have yet to identify the source, but nearby the site of Titan’s disappearance, we began picking up the upbeat…

DAYTON, OH—In a scenario that bystanders referred to as ripped directly from the pages of Isaac Asimov, a real-life science fiction premise reportedly played out Wednesday as local man Gregory Winters employed a so-called mechanical pencil. “Why, it’s as if the lead is spontaneously generating from that—what was…

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to connect with voters while on the 2024 campaign trail, Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) ended a fundraiser Tuesday by approaching a World War II veteran and shaking his tongue. Several reports indicated that the governor first noticed the D-Day veteran at the press event, at which point he…

Illinois has become the first state to legislate against the banning of books in public libraries, a practice that has been on the rise across the United States as conservatives look to suppress some books dealing with race, history, and LGBTQ topics. What do you think?

WASHINGTON—Calling the venture the first step in a sweeping plan to transform the nation’s infrastructure, the U.S. Department of Transportation announced Wednesday a $1 billion investment in horses. “Horses can walk on all types of terrains, which is great because it means we won’t need roads,” said Secretary of…

SEATTLE—Debuting a new, streamlined classification system, librarians at the Seattle Central Library announced Wednesday that they have officially dropped the Dewey Decimal System in favor of organizing all titles under “B” for books. “This is going to make things so much easier for staff, as well as for patrons who…

Move over, wine moms, there’s a new type of negligent parent in town. If you happen to know a mother who smokes cannabis, here are things you should never say.

DES MOINES, IA—Accusing the woman of engaging in a “questionable” amount of work on her emotional wellbeing, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 30-year-old Emma Offner was getting a little old for self-discovery. “Trying to learn anything new about yourself past the age of, like, 26 is honestly super cringy,” said…