Новости за 29.06.2023

The CDC has confirmed that five cases of malaria have been discovered in Florida and Texas, the first time the potentially fatal mosquito-borne disease has been locally acquired in the United States in 20 years. What do you think?

Affirmative action in the world of higher education can be an incredibly difficult topic to address. While many people have strong opinions about how the policy affects race in college admissions, I, as an enslaved person, have uniquely personal ties to the issue.

Back in the year 1823, I decided to become a slave so…

ST. JOHN’S, CANADA—After collecting debris from the ocean floor and examining it at a nearby pier, the U.S. Coast Guard reported Thursday it had found horse remains within the wreckage of the Titan submersible. “In our excavation of this catastrophic implosion, we have recovered both human and equine tissues,…

AUSTIN, TX—Addressing the life-threatening heat dome that has settled over Texas, Gov. Greg Abbott (R) announced Thursday that a backup prayer system had been added to the state electricity grid. “To prevent the deadly outages we’ve experienced over the last few years, these new reserves will kick in to supply…

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In the wake of the 6-3 Supreme Court decision ending affirmative action, Harvard University announced Thursday that they would admit their first white student. “After nearly four centuries in existence, we are finally able to leave behind our woeful legacy of discrimination and accept our first student…

ATLANTA—In a renewed effort to crack down on fraud, Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp (R) reportedly signed a new law Thursday cutting welfare benefits for recipients who were caught experiencing happiness. “If even the slightest gleam of anything but abject misery is detected in their eye, all benefits will be cut immediately,…

NANTERRE, FRANCE—In an ongoing struggle against ruling-class oppression, the people of France again protested in a way that Americans are welcome to at any time, sources confirmed Thursday. According to reports, French citizens across the country were spotted hitting the streets en masse as a unified front against the…

Television host Jesse Watters is set to take over Tucker Carlson’s 8 p.m. time slot after Carlson’s highly publicized departure. Here’s everything you need to know about the longtime Fox News anchor.

In the wake of the implosion of the Titan submersible during a voyage to view the wreck of the Titanic, deep-sea exploration is in the spotlight as people discuss its merits and dangers. The Onion looks back at key moments in the history of deep-sea exploration.

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DURHAM, NC—With little more than a day remaining to voice the vitriolic rage he feels toward LGBTQ+ people, sources reported Thursday that local bigot Darren Fernald had waited until June 29 to make a big deal about Pride merchandise at an area Macy’s “I keep meaning to get around to it, but the month is almost over…

NEW HAVEN, CT—Touting a breakthrough in the field of sabotaging family gatherings, a study released Thursday by Yale University found that LSD was highly effective at ruining a nephew’s baptism. “Of our study’s participants, an overwhelming majority found that taking LSD was quite successful in destroying the baptism…

NEW YORK—Saying the governor’s actions were an affront to ideas of dignity everywhere, nonprofit Human Rights Watch accused Republican presidential candidate Ron DeSantis Thursday of subjecting migrants to one of his speeches. “After extensive analysis of video footage and witness testimony, our team has concluded…

A janitor cleaning in a laboratory at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, NY has been accused of damaging at least $1 million in scientific research after a storage freezer shut off while he was trying to turn off a constant beeping noise. What do you think?

The leader of the Wagner mercenary group that mounted a brief uprising against Russia over the weekend denies that he had any intention of seizing power with his march on Moscow and only wanted to protest against Russian military leadership. What do you think?