Our Top-Secret Army BASE Uses Too Many ACRONYMS

Dear General Atkinson,

It is my supreme honor to have been selected as the Executive Director of the USCFD (United States Covert Force Division). However, after working here for only a few DAYS (Diurnal Allotments of Yearly Sunlight), it has come to my attention that your top-secret army BASE (Barracks And Soldier Enclosure) employs far too many ACRONYMS (Alphabetic Codes Representing Organizations & Names You’ve Made Shorter) for it to be effective.

Obviously, many of these ACRONYMS are quite helpful. When referring to USCFD’s top-secret DEVICES (Designed/Engineered Versatile Inventions Crafted to Enhance Society), the BASE’s ACRONYMS maintain secrecy and make long names easier to pronounce. However, most of USCFD’s ACRONYMS are needlessly excessive. Many of these PHRASES (Paragraphs, Handwritten Remarks, And Substantially Elongated Sentences) are pointlessly SUPERFLUOUS (Statement Using Profoundly Excessive, Redundant, Flagrantly Limitless and Unnecessarily Obfuscated Units of Speech). Furthermore, a fair number of these ACRONYMS are almost intentionally confusing. Here are just a few examples:

• BROOM – Barracks Require One Official Mopping.
• MOP – Move Over the Pushbroom.
• RESTROOM – Room Established to Store Tomes, Readable Objects, Or Manuscripts
• LIBRARY – Lavatory & Individual Bath Room Accessed to Relieve Yourself.
• EXIT – Entrance for X-rays & Invasive Treatment (please stop making these signs bright red and illuminated as they are quite easy to confuse with regular ‘exit’ signs).
• FIRE HOSE- Flame-Inducing Receptacle Effective at Heating Or Scorching Everything (please stop packaging our fire hoses in receptacles that look like FIRE HOSEs).
• BROOMS – Bath Room Or Otherwise Manured Space.

As you can clearly see, this ACRONYM system is UNBEARABLE. (Note: I have written the word ‘unbearable’ in all-caps to denote my frustration with USCFD; not because the word ‘unbearable’ is, in itself, one of the BASE’s ACRONYMS). Indeed, many of my men have been so irritated by this system that they have created their own tasteless versions of our official ACRONYMS (ex. A Crappy, Ridiculous, Overly Nitpicky Yelling of Messed-up S**t). And, whenever the letter ‘F’ is in one of our ACRONYMS (as is the case with the name ‘USCFD’), my men have undoubtedly substituted it with a very specific (and very crass) four-letter replacement.

General Atkinson, I have only had the position of executive director for a few DAYS, and most of my TIME (Temporal Instrument for Measuring Events) has been spent memorizing pointless ACRONYMS instead of managing. I HOPE (Heartily Offer Positive Expectations) that this PROBLEM (Predicament Regarded as Obtusely Bothersome Lest Effectively Mediated) will be MEDIATED (a Moderately Entangled Dispute Is Answered Through Efficient Discussion) at your earliest CONVENIENCE (Condition Of Negotiating Various Events Near-Instantaneously, while Ensuring Nominal COMFORT [Calming Or Mellow Feelings Of Relative Tranquility] and Ease).

Because right now, this is hell.

SINCERELY (Statement Indicating Note’s Conclusion, Earnestly Representing Esteem Laid upon You),
Lieutenant Colonel Maxwell Shepherd
Executive Director of the USCFD.