A Patent Application That Utilizes Finger Size to Avert the End of Humanity

Abstract

A master control panel made specifically for housing the launch device for the nuclear arsenal of the United States of America. The launch device is a red button that reads fingerprints and only activates the launch sequence when it is pressed by the president. The control panel houses this button at the bottom of a recessed well, which is 3.5” deep. This recessed well will save the world. The grip pads on the corners of the control panel will save the Oval Office desk from scratches.

Background of the Invention

The Electoral College has failed us. An orange man-child who is quick to anger at the smallest slight — especially at the smallest slight — will have the power to fire off the largest nuclear weapon arsenal in the world.

The danger to the country, and the planet, is unprecedented.

The approval of this patent application is our last hope.

The average finger length of a male in the United States is approximately 3.75”.

Summary of the Invention

The invention consists of a master panel that houses all of the necessary controls for firing the nuclear weaponry of the United States of America. There is a gauge that says how many warheads are ready to fire. Another lists their maximum range. A third selects the desired firing playlist.

Batteries are not included: It runs on AC power.

At the center of the master panel is the red launch button. This button has the same circumference of a quarter. The surface of this button is a fingerprint sensor. If the finger that presses the button does not match the sample provided by the president, the button will not initiate the launch sequence.

Incoming presidents will be required to provide a fingerprint sample. They will have to authenticate this sample with their tax returns.

Crucially, the launch button does not sit on the surface of the control panel. Instead, it is at the bottom of a recessed well, 3.5” deep. The depth of this recessed well allows presidents of even below average finger length to access the launch button. The incoming president, we have reason to believe, has fingers shorter than 3”. Efforts to take precise measurements were thwarted with more vigor than our attempts to obtain the incoming president’s closely held trade secrets. We found original agreements with contractors for various golf courses on Twitter.

Brief Description of the Drawings

FIG. 1: The concept of the master control panel. Important parts are labeled, with the legend in the bottom right corner. All humorous comparisons of the master control panel to a sound board have already been made.

FIG. 2: The interior of the launch button, detailing the fingerprint reader.

FIG. 3: A side profile of the recessed well that will save the world. Measurements have been provided to four significant digits.

FIG. 4: A diagram of a 2.88” finger, failing to reach the launch button due to the rim of the recessed well, thereby staving off world disaster. An average-length finger successfully accessing the launch button has been provided for comparison. This diagram is filtered by most browsers for its seemingly sexual nature.