Новости за 24.10.2018

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Saying he wished the former presidential candidate would “shut up and go away for once,” area man Justin Irsay told reporters Wednesday that he “just knows Hillary Clinton is going to have an opinion” on not dying in a pipe-bomb explosion. “Oh God, she’s going to be out there spouting some comments and…

EVANSTON, IL—In yet another example of the increasingly polarized cultural landscape, a new poll released Wednesday by Northwestern University found that Americans continue to be fiercely divided along Charlotte Brontë–Emily Brontë lines. “Emily still has a strong base in the heartland, but attributing her support to…

WASHINGTON—Following reports that incendiary devices had been sent to Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and George Soros, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer expressed relief Wednesday that he has never taken a stance meaningful enough to inspire someone to mail him an explosive. “Phew, this is where constantly…

PHILADELPHIA—Assuring you that you’re tantalizingly close to being able to slough off the various horrors of the world around you upon the video game’s Friday release, a report published Wednesday stated that just two more days and you can forget all of this and vanish into Red Dead Redemption 2. “Less than 48 hours…

Christie’s, a global auctioneer headquartered in London, is selling several of Stephen Hawking’s personal effects, including his dissertation, thesis, and iconic wheelchair for $12,600 in an auction to benefit his foundation for preventing motor neuron diseases. What do you think? 

BOSTON—Surveying the unfamiliar terrain in which he found himself, bus passenger Aaron Coleman deduced by his surroundings Wednesday that he had either not yet reached his desired stop or passed his stop a long time ago. “I must’ve spaced out during this part of my trip, because none of this looks quite right. Either…

There are 36 governor seats up for election in the 2018 midterms, as Democrats seek to make up ground against the Republicans, who currently control two-thirds of the posts nationwide. The Onion presents a guide to the most important gubernatorial races in 2018.

WASHINGTON—Letting out a deep sigh while peering at the polished metal surface, Melania Trump confessed Wednesday that she wished she could look in the mirror just once without her own reflection turning away, a gust of wind blowing through the window, and every nearby door slamming shut. “All I want is to be able to…

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NEW YORK—Touting its mission to advance the interests of democracy by keeping Americans informed ahead of the Nov. 6 vote, an election-crazed New York Times announced Tuesday an expansion of its poll coverage to 18.5 million more races in 371 additional states. “We’re proud to say we’ve dispatched teams of reporters…

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