Новости за 07.12.2018

MADISON, WI—Shedding new light on the now-500-pound forest-dwelling antlered ungulant, zoologists at the University of Wisconsin–Madison announced the discovery of a new fastest land animal Friday after systematically subjecting a white-tailed deer to a regimen of specially tailored anabolic steroids. “Some cheetahs…

Hackers stole emails from the House Republicans Congressional Committee in a major cyber attack during the 2018 midterm elections, although the intentions of the attack are still unknown, individuals familiar with the matter revealed. What do you think? 

NEW YORK—In an effort to cope with the stressful task of fetching coffee for demanding staffers, Fox News intern Hattie Butler reportedly told herself Friday that this would all pay off when she was named President Trump’s secretary of state one day. “It’s really tough to keep everyone’s drink orders straight, but the…

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CAPITOLA, CA—Claiming that the footwear in question would go nicely with a lot of things in your wardrobe, your mother sent you a blurry and indistinct photo of her home computer screen Friday ostensibly displaying a pair of boots you might like. “I was looking at the internet and thought of you when I saw these on…

One of the most anticipated releases of 2018, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is a fun, but undeniably compromised gaming experience. Ultimate pulls out all the stops to gives fans the biggest, most finely tuned Smash Bros. experience to date. It’s a tight, balanced, action-packed brawler filled out with over 70 of your…

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JANESVILLE, WI—Claiming that one would need a degree from Harvard just to find the front desk, Illinois father of three Tom Rutledge confirmed Friday that the Holiday Inn Express in Janesville, WI was a goddamn maze. “I don’t get why they designed it like this,” said 52-year-old Rutledge of the four-story, mid-priced…

EUGENE, OR—Concerned that the newest chapter of the franchise would underwhelm viewers with a senseless, inane plot and shallow two-dimensional characters, moviegoer Marc Davis expressed worries Friday that sixth Transformers movie The Last Knight might just be stupid. “I’m a little anxious that this sixth movie is…

I get it. I’m not much of a looker. I know I’m not ugly or anything, but I have enough humility to recognize there are women out there who, by any conventional standard, are far more attractive than I am. There’s a lot more to a person than looks, though, and as it happens, I have a lot more to offer. In fact, I have…

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to improve riding conditions for the city’s long-neglected bikers, Los Angeles officials announced Friday a $10 million plan to add lanes for cyclists to recover from getting hit by cars. “L.A. has fallen short of bike-friendly places like Portland and Philadelphia for years, which is why the…

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The Democratic Party will retake control of the House of Representatives after gaining a net total of 40 seats in the 2018 midterm elections. The Onion examines the items headlining the Democrats’ agenda as they lead the 116th U.S. Congress.

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Tumblr, the social blogging platform, will ban all X-rated content and most nudity in an effort to create a “better, more positive” environment. What do you think?

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Speaking at the UN climate conference in Poland, Sir David Attenborough told world leaders that humanity will collapse without immediate action on climate change. What do you think?

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