Новости за 04.04.2024

MIERES, SPAIN—Claiming they had received credible reports of the Michelin-starred chef’s connections to Hamas, Israel reportedly ordered a strike on World Central Kitchen founder José Andrés’ boyhood home Thursday. “Today, the Israeli military carried out a strike on the remote Spanish town of Mieres in order to…

WASHINGTON—Responding to fallout from the Israeli military’s killing of seven World Central Kitchen aid workers in Gaza, President Biden made an address Thursday asserting that Israel had an obligation not to harm his reelection chances. “Let me be clear: Israel is bound by international law not to engage in any…

In an attack on President Biden for declaring a national Trans Visibility Day, Donald Trump announced during a speech that Election Day would be called Christian Visibility day, saying that Christians will “turn out in numbers that nobody has ever seen before.” What do you think?

NEW YORK—Shaking violently under the barrage of an afternoon downpour, a $5 umbrella purchased at 49th Deli Grocery confirmed Thursday that it was doing the best it could, all right? “Look, I’m sorry—I wish I were made out of more durable material, too, but I’m trying here, okay?” said the visibly rattled umbrella,…

AT&T confirmed hackers had posted data from 73 million current and former customers to the dark web, making public names, addresses, phone numbers, dates of birth, and social security numbers. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the historic breach of the telecommunications giant.

While environmental lawyer Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is known for many things—including his anti-vaccine conspiracy theories, racist and antisemitic comments, and viral shirtless pushup routine—he has most recently made headlines for his 2024 presidential campaign. If you happen to know someone who is voting for RFK Jr.…

The total cost for tuition, room, and board at a number of private colleges has risen this year to over $90,000, meaning that families with three children who do not qualify for financial aid or scholarships can expect to pay more than $1 million for four-year degrees. What do you think?

CLAYTON, CA—As he strode down the sidewalk and glanced at the numbers on his Fitbit, sources confirmed Thursday that local father Trevor Doherty was entirely unaware he had been pushing an empty stroller for the past eight blocks. “Look, sweetheart, it’s a doggy—an Australian shepherd doggy!” said the visibly beaming …

PARIS—In what has been hailed as a breakthrough in how one must confront the sheer nothingness that pervades all being, existential researchers at the Collège international de philosophie announced Thursday that they had taught a rat to run forever through an exitless maze. “Our team has successfully ascertained…

STUTTGART, GERMANY—Remarking upon the plaza’s historic architecture and many cultural wonders, local European Klaus Becker told reporters Thursday that he enjoyed the city centre. “Perhaps the best part is how walkable the city centre is!” said a visibly delighted Becker, noting that it was also the perfect place to…

VATICAN CITY—Stressing that His good moods never tended to last long, Pope Francis encouraged Catholics on Thursday to ask for what they wanted now while God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, was in high spirits. “Whether you’re praying to Him for a promotion at work or to help shepherd a loved one through a…