Новости за 30.03.2023

FLORENCE, ITALY—After a Tallahassee parent complained that pictures of Michelangelo’s David shown to a sixth-grade art class were “pornographic,” causing a principal to lose her job, officials from Italy’s Galleria dell’Accademia invited Florida students to come see some real porn Thursday. “If you thought David was…

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Police are suing the rapper Afroman for invasion of privacy after the artist used home security footage in his music videos of officers raiding his home on unfounded suspicions of drug trafficking and kidnapping. What do you think?

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PLAINS, GA—Calling the move a solid investment in his future, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, announced Thursday that he had enrolled in a two-year program at an Atlanta technical college that would allow him to become a dental hygienist. “I’ve always been passionate about dental hygiene, and I’m very excited to…

WASHINGTON—In a heartwarming and touching end to the story of two soulmates, sources confirmed Thursday that President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump died two minutes apart holding hands. “Only minutes before their deaths, they requested that their hospital beds be pushed together—it’s like they knew what…

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—In a video in which it is unclear whether the tears running down his face are from the taste of entrails or his love for his family, local vlogger Mike Correa was seen eating raw cow intestines on YouTube this week in the hopes of give his children a better life. “Hey guys, I got some really nasty,…

PITTSBURGH—Grasping at the walls for balance as he made his way to a public restroom, local blackout drunk man Charlie Hull was desperately searching Thursday for a toilet to fall asleep on, according to sources familiar with the situation. “Get outta my way! I need to find an empty stall where I can sit down on the…

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ONTARIO, CA—Muttering “Shit, where is it, shit” while frustratedly pulling out miscellaneous objects, local woman Alice Wallen asked the person attacking her Thursday for 30 more seconds so she could dig the pepper spray out of her bag. “Hold on, sorry, I know you really want to steal my phone, purse, and wallet, but…

HBO drama Succession kicked off its hotly anticipated fourth and final season on Sunday, and The Onion’s team of indentured television experts convened to predict what will happen over the show’s final episodes.

Panera Bread will be testing Amazon One, a payment service that allows customers to pay and collect membership rewards by scanning their palms. What do you think?

Mifepristone, more commonly known as the abortion pill, is a prescription drug that can end a pregnancy at 10 weeks or less. The Onion asked politicians why they are fighting to ban the drug, and this is what they said.

Republican Idaho Gov. Brad Little has signed a bill allowing execution by firing squad, making Idaho the latest state to turn to older methods of capital punishment amid a nationwide shortage of lethal injection drugs. What do you think?