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NEW YORK—Explaining that the regulation would help provide a safer game environment, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference Tuesday to announce a new rule that encourages professional football players to take out their aggression off the field. “Player safety is our chief priority, so rather than…
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ISIS attacks in the West fell sharply in 2018 as law enforcement increasingly foiled such plots with better intelligence and increased preparation. What do you think?
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WASHINGTON—In response to numerous complaints from consumers with U.S.-regulation buttocks, congressional lawmakers proposed new legislation Tuesday that would require airline seats to meet federal ass standards. “The average ass, as mandated by the Federal Ass Standards Act, needs to have at least 34-35 inches of…
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WASHINGTON—Saying the continued attention from his former flame was beginning to border on obsession, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh told reporters Tuesday it’s super embarrassing and sad that Christine Blasey Ford is still in love with him. “It’s just so awkward that she keeps holding a candle for me even…
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NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in disbelief at their past views, everyone present at the United Nations summit watching President Donald Trump deliver a speech Tuesday reportedly couldn’t believe they used to consider the United States a superpower. “I mean, wow, we would base most of our decisions on what the U.S. was…
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FOSTER CITY, CA—Engaged in heated discussion over the artistic license taken in the creation of the animated show, local toddlers Lucas Leora and Mimi Raymond fiercely debated Tuesday whether Dora’s Explorer Girls was canon or part of Dora The Explorer’s expanded universe. “Listen, I’ve watched all the episodes, and…
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LeBron James will star in a sequel to the 1996 sports comedy Space Jam, a live-action and animated film that featured Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes characters facing off on the courts against a team of nefarious aliens. What do you think?
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PHOENIX—Murmuring to herself about how breathtakingly small you once were, your mother formally announced Tuesday her plans to get out some of your old baby stuff and quietly stare at it. “Sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere, I remember what a happy baby you were,” said your mom, confirming her intention to sit in…
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