Новости за 11.05.2018

Across the nation, Americans are getting ready to celebrate their moms this Sunday. What do you plan for Mother’s Day?

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SIESTA KEY, FL—Saying that it was simple and straightforward to locate a gift that their mother would enjoy, the children of alcoholic Alison Cassidy confirmed Friday that she was pretty easy to shop for. “It’s cool that we don’t have to get stressed out running around to a bunch of different shops when we can just…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide the most accurate possible picture of the nation’s demographics, the Director of the U.S. Census Bureau Ron Jarmin called for an updated population report Friday after realizing he had completely forgotten to count himself. “This is a bit embarrassing, but it looks like I neglected…

BASEL, SWITZERLAND—Bedecked in a red cape and leather jumpsuit as he began shimmying into the muzzle of the artillery weapon, assisted suicide advocate David Goodall told reporters Thursday that he looked forward to ending his life before being shot out of a cannon at a brick wall. “At my age, and even earlier than my…

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CHICAGO—After he picked up the first $14.99 floral arrangement he saw at his neighborhood drugstore Friday, sources confirmed local man Connor Wurster was apparently banking on unconditional love doing most of the heavy lifting for the bouquet he selected as a Mother’s Day present. “This one looks decent enough, and…

WASHINGTON—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could help shed new light on the history of the Red Planet, NASA announced Friday that a diving board found on Mars confirmed that the planet may have at one point contained water. “While the board itself is now completely cracked and arid, the very fact of its existence…

Following numerous sexual-misconduct allegations against Charlies Rose, PBS announced Christiane Amanpour will launch her new hour-long public affairs program Amanpour & Company. What do you think?

ROCHESTER, NY—Honoring their performance and consistency in regularly appearing up and down the high-score screen for decades, the World Video Game Hall Of Fame formally inducted “ASS” into its hallowed collection in a gala ceremony Friday. “After years of being overlooked for outstanding contributions to gaming in…

CORONA, CA—Boasting that their edgy new product was intended “solely for hardcore adrenaline junkies who want to grab life by the balls,” Monster Energy unveiled Friday their new defibrillator, a black-and-acid-green portable recreational unit they claim is capable of delivering 1,200 volts straight to the heart.…