How to know if you're in a toxic relationship — and what to do about it

13.08.2018 22:26

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It can be hard to know when to forgive someone, as opposed to just cutting them out for good.
INSIDER spoke with a relationship expert, who outlined all the signs of a toxic friendship, as well as how to know if you're in one.
If someone doesn't respect you, your time, your money, or your other relationships, it's time to move on.
Saying goodbye is never easy, but it's important to take care of yourself.

We hear about toxic relationships a lot, whether it's in a romantic or a platonic sense. But what exactly is a toxic friendship? And how do we know when we're in one?

For one, it's different than simply not getting along with someone or having a difference of opinion — it's when a relationship starts to take a toll on your mental health.

INSIDER spoke with April Masini, a relationship expert and author, who defined what exactly a toxic friendship is, and how to know whether you're in one.

What is a toxic friend?

HBO

There have been many examples of toxic friendships in media over the years, from Blair and Serena in "Gossip Girl" to Amber and Cher in "Clueless." But sometimes, it's not so easy to see that you're a part of one.

Masini defines a toxic friendship as a friendship "that creates harm, over time, on a regular basis. It's a relationship that appears to be normal, but the more time you spend examining it, the more clearly you will see that one person — or both people — is being harmed by staying in it."

It seems simple enough to spot — but unfortunately that's not always the case. And the toxicity might not come from a vicious place, either. "Very often there are underlying problems like low self-esteem, a history of abuse, or some other problem that causes people to seek out and stay in these relationships," Masini explained. "Bottom line: toxic friendships cause pain on a regular basis."

Further, Masini says that if you have a toxic friend, they're most likely not going to change, meaning that it's best for you to just say goodbye.

Some things are friendship deal-breakers.

HBO

INSIDER asked Masini what she believes are friendship deal-breakers — in other words, what lines shouldn't be crossed in a friendship. If any of these scenarios sound familiar, it might be time to stop making excuses for someone, and to start deciding if this person deserves a place in your life.

The first, Masini said, is self-absorption. "Me, me, me. If you have a friend who isn’t empathetic and can only beexcited about his or her own life, get out. Friendship should be a two-way street," Masini explained, "Both people should be there for each other to cheer each other on, empathize over tough times, and enjoy life together."

Another problematic quality in a friend is the need to sabotage someone else. "When your friend tries to steal your dates, get your boss' attention for him or herself, and is competing with you more than supporting you, it's time to get out of that relationship. Your friends should have your back — not be gunning for it. If your friend is after your relationships with others, it's time to find a better friend," said Masini.

The final problem, according to Masini, is disrespect. "If your friend doesn’t respect your time or your money, that's a deal breaker. When your friend is always borrowing money, but never paying any of it back, and worse — feels insulted when you ask to be paid back, there's not enough respect in this relationship to make it go the distance. Same with your time. If your friend expects you to drop everything whenever he or she needs you — that shows a lack of respect for your life."

Still not sure? Think back on your friendship as a whole.

Warner Bros. Television

If you're still unsure about a friend, a simple way to evaluate how healthy your relationship is, is to think back on your interactions. Masini outlined a few instances when it can become clear that you're a part of a toxic friendship. If a friend...

puts you down and makes you the butt of jokes in public.
makes plans with you, but drops you if a better offer comes along.
is always out of money and expects you to pay for everything, without ever keeping a tab or paying you back.
co-opts your relationships and sleeps with your boyfriends or flirts with your father or mother, and befriends your siblings.
does things with your best friends without you.
sabotages your career and can't be happy for your successes.

... then you're probably part of an unhealthy relationship. These are classic forms of bullying, and can be considered emotionally abusive. And that's when you know it's time to let them go, says Masini.

See the rest of the story at Business Insider

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