Tempting Fortune with Paddy McGuinness? It’s more tempting to switch channels
THINK it’s impossible to develop a sincere and lasting hatred for a television show in the space of just three words and a single number?
Then get a load of this, courtesy of Channel 4.
“Trewley-Precious, 22, Influencer.”
A declaration of war, if ever I saw one.
Believe it or not though, Trewley-Precious is not the most trewley-noxious thing about Tempting Fortune, a format which combines the trudging monotony of I’m A Celeb’s Dingo Dollar Challenges with the forfeits of Netflix’s Too Hot To Handle.
The nuts of it is though, 12 contestants are trekking for 18 days across South Africa’s Eastern Cape in pursuit of £300,000.
Standing in the way of this small fortune, the production team have plonked dozens of over-priced temptations, ranging from a £200 coffee to a £4,000-a-night safari lodge, which chip away at the prize fund every time one of these dunces succumbs.
Biggest deadweight
There’s also a host, Paddy McGuinness, who always seems to be driving somewhere in a Land Rover, and a fairly simple route map, although it’s hard at times to tell if “dense bush” refers to the terrain or the contestants.
Because while it’s true some of the more substantial trekkers, like leader James, Charlie, Tahira and even Trewley-Precious, have cottoned on to the fact that hard work and co-operation is the correct way to nail this one, it’s filled with lots of others who are just too stupid, greedy and selfish to do the decent thing.
Two immediately came to the fore during episode one.
The first was a foghorning know-all called Carolynne, the queen of “too much information”, who said if the temptation was “a night with George Clooney, covered in chocolate” she’d be “gone”.
But not nearly as quickly as George, you’d imagine.
Biggest deadweight, however, is definitely Lani, an over-entitled, thin-skinned, bone idle, foul-mouthed monument to almost everything that’s wrong with modern Britain who wasted no time telling viewers: “I’m going to be a bitch and spend the money.”
True to her word, she’s already reduced the prize by £2,400, causing all sorts of camp ructions, to which she responds with tears, tantrums, manipulation and even an empty threat to throw herself in the river where: “A hippo can eat me.”
A nice thought, although it’s unlikely even a hippo would be hungry enough.
It’s grim viewing, obviously.
The amazing thing about Lani and the gang though is that it’s not even the worst reality show on Channel 4 at the moment.
That would be Rise And Fall, which makes Tempting Fortune look like The World At War.
Both, however, serve as equal reminders that it might be 12 years since C4 dropped Big Brother, promising to replace it with quality programmes more in keeping with its “innovative and creative” remit, but the pox of this lowest common denominator, fame-chasing show has never really gone away.
All it’s done is change its name to The Circle, The Island, Married At First Sight, Brat Camp, Rise And Fall or Tempting Fortune.
That’s why some of us long for a government, of whatever political persuasion, to call time on this public service pretence, but know we’re stuck with grotesques like Lani, who’s just stolen a £400 hot chocolate behind her team-mates’ back while protesting her total innocence with these words.
“I give you the right to punch me in the mouth if I lie.”
Lani, don’t tempt them.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Chase, Celebrity Special, Bradley Walsh: “What large Asian country is the C in the economic acronym BRIC?”
Adam Gemili: “Russia.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “Maracas typically belong to which section of an orchestra?”
Tony: “Woodwind.”
Bradley Walsh: “What was the first name of the man who created the E=mc2 equation?”
Jennifer: “Alan Einstein.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “The name of which jumping insect is given to a type of street market selling second-hand goods?”
Keith: “Grasshopper.”
Random irritations
CORONATION Street’s hideously executed wedding day acid attack story reminding me why I fell completely out of love with this sorry excuse for a once great soap.
Soulless and over-rated Succession getting lost in another round of hostile takeovers and competitive swearing.
Anton and Giovanni averaging five “lovely jubblies” an episode on their Sicilian Adventure.
And BBC1 giving a second series to Gordon Ramsay’s Future Food Stars with its rip-off Apprentice format and slightly disturbing captions: “Sam: Cajun Sea boils.”
Sam, I hope they clear up soon.
TEMPTING Fortune, Trewley-Precious: “Do you know what I’d do for a Yorkshire pudding?”
About half of Yorkshire?
- CELEBRITY Bake Off, Noel Fielding: “Gemma, what’s your favourite cake?” The next one.
GEMMA IN A BUN FRIGHT
OVER at Channel 4’s Celebrity Bake Off, comedian Tim Key crushed 16 pecan nuts for his banoffee cake, while Gemma Collins simply crushed everything in her path.
Seriously, nuts, pastry, cakes, buns, the libido of Paul Hollywood, who was the object of her hefty, overbearing attention for the duration.
Nothing was left upright by the GC, except the tent.
Early on, Gemma also talked a good game, of course, declaring: “I am a genius, a cooking genius,” among many other idle boasts.
The tone for the night though was very much set by her opening signature bake, which looked more like Mrs Blobby’s prolapsed vajazzle than a Victoria sponge.
During the second and third rounds, things actually became progressively more inedible and Gemma was a beaten woman by the time an attempt to “unlock her earliest childhood memories”, in the showstopper finale, morphed from a pair of fluffy pastry mules into albino hedgehog roadkill, which led her to claim: “You ain’t gonna get perfect choux buns outta me.”
Oh but I might, Gemma, if I reversed over you in a traction engine, so let’s not be too defeatist here.
TELLY quiz. What creature was being described here, BBC1, Sunday night?
“More eager males arrive. Fortunately he has just the equipment to do that, a penis with barbs.”
A) Mating adders on David Attenborough’s Wild Isles?
B) Ian Hislop on Have I Got News For You?
Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is Courteney Cox and Ozzy Osbourne, sent in by Kate Parkin.
Great sporting insights
JOE COLE: “Look at this. This is what you can’t see.”
Jimmy Bullard: “As a kid I was quite inverted.”
Spain’s David Garcia: “We already saw the grass was too long and that’s cost us. We can’t make excuses for that.” 
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
MEANWHILE, over at the women’s boat race, Andrew Cotter reports: “The hand of Tara Slade goes up and there’s a smile from Esther Austin, stroking in the Oxford boat.”
So we’ll leave them to it.
TV Gold
VIAPLAY’S admirable Rory Hamilton rounding off a blissful and unforgettable night at Hampden Park with the words: “It’s the night of Scotland’s dreams.”
BBC1’s Race Across The World showing off Canada at its most breathtaking.
BBC2’s Murder In Mayfair documentary, with the tenacious Nawal Al-Maghafi.
Blue Lights turning out to be not nearly as bad as I was expecting, partly thanks to the performances of Martin McCann and Richard Dormer.
And Lee Mack’s response when Would I Lie To You? panellist Stephen Bailey said: “I’m a dramatic, camp, gay man.”
“Well, you do hide it well.”
GORDON RAMSAY’S Future Food Stars, a timeline.
Two minutes, Gordon Ramsay: “It’s not fine, it’s a s**tshow.”
15 minutes, Rachel: “Nothing seems to be cooking right, it’s a bit of a s**tshow.”
19 minutes, Gordon Ramsay: “It’s going to be five lukewarm plates and 25 stone cold. That’s going to be a s**tshow.”
37minutes, Gordon Ramsay: “Guys, let’s stop for two seconds, this is a s**tshow.”
60 minutes, can confirm. It’s a s**tshow.
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the week.
The Boat Race, Lee McKenzie: “It got a little bit interesting at Hammersmith Bridge, didn’t it?” (No.)
Starstruck, Ronan Keating: “From the moment you walked out, Bette Midler was in the room.” (What room?)
And Celebrity Hunted, Hattie Haslam-Greene: “Nicola Thorp is a broadcaster who’s switched on, smart and isn’t afraid to speak her mind.”
By which I think she meant: Switched off, smug and speaks her mind, I’m afraid.