Advice: How to deal with annoying party guests? Someone in Chicago asks

Kacie Trimble/Sun-Times

Dear Ismael,

I have family members that come over for parties and want to control the TV and music. It annoys me.

Someone in Chicago wants to know: Should I stand my ground and hide the remote? Or should I let them change the music or TV? Like Ivy Queen sings, "Dime" ("Tell Me").

— Thoughtful Host in Little Italy

Dear Thoughtful Host,

I have a friend who would come over to my apartment and — with my consent — take naps with me during our lunch break. I consider myself a friendly person, but I wouldn't let just any friend in my Rolodex sleep next to me on my bed.

There are different levels to friendship, and how at ease you feel with certain people. There are friends I take naps with, and others I only see in a public setting. Same goes with family. There are some I would drop anything for, and others I wish would get their sticky fingers off my stuff when they come over.

How comfortable a guest can get depends on the size of the party, their relationship with the host and the limits and boundaries the host establishes. Let me elaborate:

The party setting

With more space, there's more freedom a person assumes they have to explore.

So, when a friend has a small gathering — or a family member has a last-minute barbecue — with about seven to 10 people, the possibility of someone reaching for the remote is high. If I'm hanging out on someone's couch with my college best friends, talking about music, I will want to pause the YouTube music video shuffle and show them my favorite Shakira music video "Las de la Intuicion." (Shakira in Spanish hits different.)

You can prevent people from TV temptation or wandering around your home by distracting them with an entertaining board game, an elaborate dinner or very juicy and engaging gossip. If you have a repeat offender who messes with your thoughtfully curated playlist, then yes, hide the remote. Or don't invite them back for the next party.

But if people are crowded on your couch and others are sitting on the floor, no one will have time to think about the remote or playlist. No need for board games either if people are distracted enough by the inevitable mingling.

Someone did ask me at my last birthday party if they could turn on the football game. I simply told them no, nicely, with a smile. As a host, when you're trying to keep a party of 30 happy, standing your ground on when to turn down a request is acceptable.

Building boundaries and comfort

Telling a guest no? Not inviting them back? That's right.

As a guest, you need to read the room and look for social cues that tell you what you can and cannot do. When you're wondering whether you could go through someone's fridge or pick up someone's French horn they have as a decoration in their living room, ask yourself: "Am I being annoying? Would the host be OK with me getting a blanket from the closet? How cool are we for me to be doing this?"

I will say, I've had people volunteer to wash my dishes or help with party clean-up without asking, and I didn't mind at all. But when in doubt of overstepping boundaries as a guest, ask the host.

We sometimes focus so much on what a host needs to do to make people feel welcomed, but creating a setting of comfort should go both ways. So, yes. Maybe I'm not comfortable with you going through my books or record collection or TV channels, no matter how excited you are about seeing something you liked.

If I don't feel comfortable with you at my place or trust that you'll respect my rules and boundaries, I'll see you around. But not at my place.

Write to Someone in Chicago at someoneinchicago@suntimes.com.