THE MAIN CHARACTER, Week 5: The $95 million man - Each weekend in college football, there is one main character. The goal is to never be it.
Welcome to the weekly college football wrapup that recognizes this sport is about nothing but feelings, primarily about enjoying the bad ones suffered by people besides you.
It’s nothing but feelings, all the way down. Made-up polls determine which teams get the most attention and best postseason invites. Friendship clubs founded 100 years ago determine which teams get to call themselves “powers.” Recruiting is about the feelings of 17-year-old boys, and even head coaches can vanish because some booster gifted the wrong color BMW.
So the college football internet is a potent stew. One does not watch one’s team win and then log off. No. One must maximize the advantage, storming rivals whose teams did not win, because the actually impactful Feelings Market never stops fluctuating. And if one’s team loses, there’s always punching down on somebody who had a worse weekend. Almost always.
Each day on twitter there is one main character. The goal is to never be it
— maple cocaine (@maplecocaine) January 3, 2019
Stream live college football games every week this season from conferences across the country on ESPN+.
Let’s see which of this week’s cast members earned MAIN CHARACTER honors. This week saw the season’s most hotly contested title yet.
Nine @AP_Top25 teams lost on Saturday:
No. 3 Oregon
No. 8 Arkansas
No. 9 Notre Dame
No. 10 Florida
No. 12 Ole Miss
No. 15 Texas A&M
No. 18 Fresno State
No. 20 UCLA
No. 21 BaylorThat’s a record 34 ranked teams that have lost in 1st 5 weeks
— Brett McMurphy (@Brett_McMurphy) October 3, 2021
OK, time to buckle down and work on this week's Top 10.
would, uh, anyone out there like to make a case for … literally anyone?
— Nicole Auerbach (@NicoleAuerbach) October 3, 2021
Lane Kiffin
Difficult to evaluate this candidacy, because Ole Miss’ head coach has spent a decade actively campaigning to be the Main Character. He’s the only figure who can sometimes manipulate this status for his own benefit.
That did not happen on Saturday.
Be careful with your words before playing @AlabamaFTBL. pic.twitter.com/JEf7wNJd6p
— SEConCBS (@SEConCBS) October 2, 2021
— Patrick Claybon (@PatrickClaybon) October 2, 2021
WE GOT YO POPCORN!!!! @Lane_Kiffin #RollTide pic.twitter.com/nlYGlfsjW6
— TC (@GoatLatia) October 2, 2021
cbs sports guys teeing off on lane kiffin’s popcorn suggestion. only his 4th worst decision of the day. pic.twitter.com/KODhncXk4l
— Amber Lee (@blamberr) October 2, 2021
Lane Kiffin: Get your popcorn ready…
Reality: pic.twitter.com/L976NyPXhu
— PointsBet Sportsbook (@PointsBetUSA) October 2, 2021
With the game in hand and nothing better to do, Alabama remembered mascot Big Al owns a popcorn costume, typically stored at the basketball gym.
This feels….. purposeful?
pic.twitter.com/DfI1HVEgCc
— Jamie Erdahl
Buckman (@JamieErdahl) October 2, 2021
But that wasn’t enough. Kiffin continued to draw all heat away from his players and/or hog attention for himself and/or use some witchcraft known as “math,” calling for five fourth-down conversion attempts. The Rebels converted two of them, but on the whole, sports fans seemed afflicted with the bizarre delusion that punting the football to Alabama’s offense would’ve better delayed the inevitable.
Clear choices, all of them, and @Lane_Kiffin played to win correctly each time.
Playing 4th downs correctly, as Kiffin did increases your chance of pulling the big upset but it also increases the chance of getting blown out.
But you play to WIN not to lose respectably. He did pic.twitter.com/idz9xSmnXg
— Bud Elliott (@BudElliott3) October 3, 2021
Beyond analytics, it’s just the Ole Miss way.
Lane Kiffin when it's time to punt pic.twitter.com/yeLVNHbmoR
— Doug Farrar
(@NFL_DougFarrar) October 2, 2021
Oregon
3 GOAL LINE FADES IN 5 PLAYS
— charles (redzone 3-0) mcdonald (@FourVerts) October 2, 2021
That’s how Stanford took No. 3 Oregon to overtime. Spamming goal line fades, the most success-averse play in all of football. That’s gotta suck!
From this point on, Oregon:
• Had two consecutive false starts
• Threw incomplete pass to stop clock
• Had a targeting penalty
• Committed a PI in the end zone
• Allowed 96-yard TD drive
• Lost in OT pic.twitter.com/DWKLhy5DE1— CBS Sports (@CBSSports) October 2, 2021
A quick insta-reaction to Oregon-Stanford (NSFW) pic.twitter.com/CtVn3vBN7h
— Dan Rubenstein (@DanRubenstein) October 3, 2021
#GoStanford pic.twitter.com/yS1jAvhYu4
— Stanford Athletics (@GoStanford) October 2, 2021
Honestly, it’s kinda weird that Oregon isn’t this week’s Main Character. The No. 3 team lost to an unranked team in a stupid way! That should be Main Character stuff for sure! Ohio State was the Main Character after losing to this very same Oregon team!
But I’m only here to report on how the internet has reacted. And Oregon is in the Pac-12, which barely exists on the internet. So the viewing public seemed to react to the Ducks’ downfall with something more like acknowledgment than gleeful derision.
You join an alliance with the ACC Coastal, these things are bound to happen. https://t.co/oCqYSi5mK9
—
(@ADavidHaleJoint) October 3, 2021
Miami
Clank.
Clank pic.twitter.com/CQEsN9vH5d
— Alejandro Solana (@AlexMSolana) October 1, 2021
The state of Florida's four national title-winning programs are having a bad year:
Florida is 3-2.
Florida State is 1-4.
Miami is 2-3.
UCF is 2-2.That's a combined record of 8-11 through Week 5.
— RJ Young (@RJ_Young) October 3, 2021
Notre Dame
It’s also pretty wild that Notre Dame got stomped at home by a non-power team, yet Notre Dame isn’t the Main Character. The main reason for that: This game’s outcome just made everyone wonder how the College Football Playoff committee will conspire to exclude Cincinnati.
Still, this was a special result and must be savored.
Cincinnati is up 17-0 at Notre Dame and it sounds like a Bearcats home game in South Bend… #Bearcats pic.twitter.com/McM1PklIzJ
— Brandon Saho (@BrandonSaho) October 2, 2021
Cincinnati chants are dominating the silenced Notre Dame crowd…….. pic.twitter.com/ZUdWOdn1GP
— The News Record Sports (@Sports_TNR) October 2, 2021
Chili Notre Dame
Being defiled
by Cincinnati— Rush Roberts (@DrNorrisCamacho) October 2, 2021
Notre Dame was NO PROBLEM for @GoBearcatsFB today
pic.twitter.com/TmABeRfWv3
— FOX College Football (@CFBONFOX) October 2, 2021
Cincinnati proving it belongs in the College Football Playoff by doing the one thing all College Football Playoff teams must do: beat Notre Dame by one million points
— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) October 2, 2021
Cincinnati goes to Notre Dame, gets win and $1.2 million guarantee
— Steve Berkowitz (@ByBerkowitz) October 2, 2021
THE CINCINNATI BEARCATS, FOLKS pic.twitter.com/FxDMBrVAq8
— actioncookbook (@actioncookbook) October 2, 2021
Further recognition goes to Cincy’s social media team for repurposing ancient quotes by former Bearcats head coach Brian Kelly …
Big win for the Bearcats in South Bend!
You heard the man, Cincinnati is the place to be! pic.twitter.com/n5CQq8vBrw
— Cincinnati Bearcats (@GoBEARCATS) October 2, 2021
… and for referencing current Irish head coach Brian Kelly saying he likes to give his former schools “the opportunity to play Notre Dame.”
Just grateful for this opportunity.
Thank you, @CoachBrianKelly!Final from South Bend.#Bearcats pic.twitter.com/lEqnKjIW72
— Cincinnati Football (@GoBearcatsFB) October 2, 2021
Florida
One week after a genuinely encouraging loss to Alabama, the Gators chased that same feeling again, but found more loss than encouraging.
Another great moral victory for the Florida Gators! They almost beat Kentucky! pic.twitter.com/mR3H25jgDB
— Chris Burnette (@Chrisburnette68) October 3, 2021
By any means necessary #ForTheTeam
pic.twitter.com/y8I8RCGUpN
— Kentucky Football (@UKFootball) October 3, 2021
When Dan Mullen arrived at Florida, #Gators had a 31-game winning streak over Kentucky.
He has lost twice to #BBN in four years.
— Matt Hayes (@MattHayesCFB) October 3, 2021
Find someone that looks at you the way Dan Mullen looks at a loss pic.twitter.com/h0nt2D3N71
— Transfer Portal (@NCAAPortal) October 3, 2021
Dan Mullen asked if he was out-coached tonight by Kentucky. "No. 382 yards. I guess that's sputtering. We had 382 and they had 211."
— Nick de la Torre (@delatorre) October 3, 2021
The score according to Dan Mullen in his post game press conference pic.twitter.com/fxCYb1fh3H
— David Soderquist
(@SoderquistGC) October 3, 2021
Dan Mullen is:
1-2 vs UGA (soon to be 1-3)
1-2 vs LSU (soon to be 1-3)
0-2 vs Alabama
2-2 vs Kentucky (!!!!)1-5 in his last 6 games against Power 5 opponents.
That won't cut it at Florida. That just won't.
— GatorsCenter (@GatorsCenter) October 3, 2021
Miami and FSU looking at the gators like pic.twitter.com/YNo5LhWvXe
— Saint Zoe
(@Jupinapapi3) October 3, 2021
And I dunno where else to discuss UConn-Vanderbilt in this post, so let’s do it right here. The Shutdown Fullcast’s four co-hosts attended what might be the worst FBS-vs.-FBS game ever hosted by an SEC stadium. It was a total blast, well worth the $1 tickets, because win-loss records are societal constructs and all that matters is whether both teams care. But this brings us to a sick individual who chose to root for both Florida and UConn:
I watched Florida lose to Kentucky from the stands of a Vanderbilt game, this is how I am destined to die
— Ryan Nanni (@celebrityhottub) October 3, 2021
Anyway.
Tough nights for Urban Meyer and Dan Mullen pic.twitter.com/qlSZwcebXv
— Bunkie Perkins (@BunkiePerkins) October 3, 2021
Oh right.
Urban Meyer
If I’m being honest, the former Ohio State coach was the Main Character of college football Twitter on Saturday, after video and photos emerged of him having a really great time at one of his Ohio restaurants. But he’s the NFL’s problem now! For at least another week or two! Bye!!!
This remains the meme image of the weekend, however:
this is the same face i make when i look at myself in the mirror of bar bathroom to see how lit i am pic.twitter.com/2eCD0lWycM
— Joe Ali (@JoeAli) October 3, 2021
LSU
Ed Orgeron became the first coach to lose to Auburn in Baton Rouge since 1999. On paper, that’s bad. But paper is static, concrete, cold, fixed, and logical. The experience of losing to Auburn has nothing to do with any of those things.
I didn’t watch this game live, but I swear I’ve scrolled past about 50 different highlights of Bo Nix doing this sorta thing to LSU, even though he only threw for 255 yards. He is my favorite college football player.
Yeah Bo Nix just danced all over the LSU defense to throw a TD. Holy Crap!! pic.twitter.com/2Og54mWshH
— Sickos Committee (@SickosCommittee) October 3, 2021
Pastor just said giving is “fortunately not as hard as tackling Bo Nix.” #LSU pic.twitter.com/XBY0bW05ao
— Jared Paul Joseph (@JaredPJoseph) October 3, 2021
At this moment, it’s nearly impossible to believe LSU fielded arguably the best team in college football history two seasons ago. We can nod our heads at this statement and recognize it as a valid argument, sure. But believing it? Tall order.
LSU just lost to Auburn at home for the first time since before Nick Saban took over the Tigers – 1999 to be exactly.
Ed Orgeron is now 6-6 in SEC play since winning a national championship.
— Shehan Jeyarajah (@ShehanJeyarajah) October 3, 2021
Get Orgeron and this whole staff out of here man
— And the Valley Spooks
(@ATVShook) October 3, 2021
Dear Coach Ed Orgeron: pic.twitter.com/aWQjrShTjW
— Suplex God Hook$
(Prod. 3 Amigos) (@MillyBeamen) October 3, 2021
I didn’t think it could get worse than searching “Dan Mullen” tonight. Then I searched “Jimbo Fisher” and thought it couldn’t get worse than that. Now I’m going to type in “Ed Orgeron.” https://t.co/IoawKu98Gm
— Andy Staples (@Andy_Staples) October 3, 2021
Lol searched “Dan Mullenl, “Jimbo Fisher”, and “Ed Orgeron”. They are getting COOKED. pic.twitter.com/DnG0Zztd7x
— blem (@JayFreshco) October 3, 2021
And it might only get worse from here on out.
Grab the bourbon, #LSU fans. pic.twitter.com/DSI17EquPS
— Ross Dellenger (@RossDellenger) October 3, 2021
Wisconsin
There will be many candidates for the title of 2021’s most overrated team (Clemson is your current favorite), but the Badgers are making a run for it, tumbling from No. 15 to 1-3.
That doesn’t tell the whole story, though. Some soaring underdog like Iowa State slipping back down to earth? That happens. Some SEC West team starting around the top 10 and then imploding? Annual event. But Wisconsin possibly missing a bowl? What! UW hasn’t spent the holidays on the couch since 2001, a streak trailing only Georgia and Oklahoma.
In his seventh season as Michigan head coach, Jim Harbaugh has his first win as an underdog.
— Chris Vannini (@ChrisVannini) October 2, 2021
I'm like hey what's up goodbye https://t.co/pomtR9uZxQ pic.twitter.com/dhuETSRl5R
— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) October 2, 2021
Michigan players having fun during Jump Around pic.twitter.com/jkBpDFdoce
— angelique (@chengelis) October 2, 2021
Wisconsin "honors" the announcement of Barry Alvarez Field with its first 1-3 start since Barry's 1st season in 1990.
— Chris Fallica (@chrisfallica) October 2, 2021
And here is my favorite sports fan of the year so far. The Badgers would’ve been wise to emulate her fighting spirit.
— Jason Kirk (@thejasonkirk) October 2, 2021
Arkansas
womp womp
— Holly Anderson (@HollyAnderson) October 2, 2021
Vandy and Arkansas' combined offensive performances against Georgia.
PUNT
PUNT
INT
PUNT
Missed FG
PUNT
PUNT
End of HALF
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
INT
DOWNS
PUNT
PUNT
Missed FG
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
PUNT
End of game— Richard
Johnson (@RJ_Writes) October 2, 2021
The Main Character: Jimbo Fisher
Cheer up, everybody else!
Texas A&M just gave Jimbo a *$90 million* extension, it could always be worse folks pic.twitter.com/HtBIGGbaeR
— Morgan Moriarty (@Morgan_Moriarty) October 3, 2021
This column’s first controversial choice all year, perhaps? You could make the case for several figures, but I think the No. 15 Aggies’ loss to Mississippi State made the internet swoon even harder than upset losses by No. 3 Oregon and No. 10 Florida did.
For one, there’s the money thing. In 2018, A&M gave Jimbo Fisher the most demented contract in the history of the demented sport, $75 million, completely guaranteed no matter what. Fisher then went 26-9 through three seasons, showing signs of possibly becoming “worth” $7.5 million per year, at least if we pretend college football coaches can ever be “worth” that much more than players are.
And then, whether to keep LSU’s paws off Jimbo or just to throw some money around because YEEHAW, the Aggies bumped that number up to $9-plus million per year, all in anticipation of Fisher getting over the Bama hump.
2021 A&M has now been buried beneath the Arkansas and Mississippi State humps before even getting to the Bama hump.
Texas A&M wanted Jimbo to feel appreciated so they gave him $95 million without a cent of a buyout the other way.
Now 0-2 start to SEC play with Bama coming, scoring no more than 22 points against P5 opponents.
— Bryan Fischer (@BryanDFischer) October 3, 2021
Jimbo Fisher after losing to Mississippi State pic.twitter.com/BnHSQCpohQ
— Ben Miller (@bwmille11) October 3, 2021
Leach put up 600 yards of offense calling plays off of a post-it note. Jimbo has a set of encyclopedias & can’t develop a consistent offense.
— Jimmie Supafly Snuka (@labayouboy) October 3, 2021
I would say this was a regrettable extension of a play by the QB but this is A&M, there are no regrets about extensions https://t.co/VUN1JCmYD0
— Alex Kirshner (@alex_kirshner) October 3, 2021
Jimbo losing these two games on purpose just to get Bama to let their guard down is the kind of 4D chess move you only get from a $9 million per year head coach.
— Robert Behrens (@rcb05) October 3, 2021
How are fans handling all this? Tremendously, is how.
— BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL (@edsbs) October 3, 2021
I say this with 100% seriousness: hell yeah, brother. pic.twitter.com/Bqng14Gehw
— Greg Tepper (@Tepper) October 3, 2021
Things are so bad, even the 12th Man is catching strays.
That red cup let me know Herbie was gonna give us Facts Kellerman https://t.co/tGNH8sn1rt
— Bourbon Meyer (@CeeHawk) October 3, 2021
Florida State fans, already buoyed by their first victory of the season, got to put on Olivia Rodrigo’s “Deja Vu” as their ex broke out some old tricks.
INCHES!!!
And oldie but a goodie. I remember Jimbo dusting this one off after the 63-20 loss to Louisville. I was hungover, but I remember. https://t.co/O55zoP7eU3
— Brendan Sonnone (@BSonnone) October 3, 2021
Nobody:
Jimbo’s house in Texas when LSU fires coach O: pic.twitter.com/L1pvHrBkUy
— BFNoles
(@BFNoles) October 3, 2021
And now let’s part ways on this, the weekend’s tweet that made me flinch the hardest:
First 41 games as Head Coach at Texas A&M
Wins
29 Jimbo Fisher
30 Kevin SumlinRanked Wins
5 Jimbo Fisher
8 Kevin SumlinWins over Alabama
0 Jimbo Fisher
1 Kevin SumlinSalary
$25.3M Jimbo Fisher
$10.5 M Kevin Sumlin#MSUvsTAMU— Kyle Umlang (@kyleumlang) October 3, 2021
Previously in THE MAIN CHARACTER
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