In November, the College Football Playoff committee will begin publishing weekly rankings of 25 teams. This is the best method of figuring out which four teams will play in the committee’s tournament, because this method means committee members get to earn hotel points by gathering each week to conclude Northwestern has more Big Number Thirteen Energy than Cincinnati does.

But why wait until November? There are airline miles up for grabs up right now! Committee, let me do your job for you, based on nothing but Week 0’s five games involving FBS teams. If we like the playoff field this produces, then let’s go ahead and schedule it up.

10. New Mexico State, 0-1

Getting blown out, 30-3, at home by lowly UTEP is just grimdark. Let’s move on as quickly as possible.

9. UConn, 0-1

The Huskies are best known for not playing any college football in 2020. The year is now 2021, and they’re still not.

(They just lost to Fresno State, 45-0.)

@ESPN_BillC Ok, w/the help from our SIG folks, UConn’s LAST TD was against Temple in November of 2019.

It has been 647 DAYS since they’ve scored a TD! #ASKPAPN pic.twitter.com/quyRn6Alxa

— Sean Rosales (@Sean_ESPN) August 28, 2021

Randy Edsall’s second stint at UConn:

— 3 FBS wins (vs. Temple, Tulsa and UMass)
— 6-31 overall
— Defense has allowed 43.3 ppg against FBS opponents

— Bryan Fischer (@BryanDFischer) August 28, 2021

8. Nebraska, 0-1

The Huskers are best known for being really eager to play college football in 2020. The year is now 2021, and they still shouldn’t be.

Nebraska, having fallen 30-22 to Bret Bielema’s Illinois in a make-or-break year for Scott Frost, is also under NCAA investigation for practicing too much.

Nothing about this game would indicate Nebraska is being investigated for practicing too much.

— Dave Matter (@Dave_Matter) August 28, 2021

And from this point on, it only gets rougher. The schedule includes Oklahoma, Ohio State, Wisconsin, and other teams that often beat Nebraska. Things can only continue to improve for the Huskers’ monochrome Bills of yore.

tough look for Scott Frost pic.twitter.com/Y2ylpM0AxW

— Is This Heavens? (@HeavensFX) August 28, 2021

I also must note this was college football season’s opening game, and its lead-in coverage on Fox was an infomercial for a magical microwave. Perfection.

7. Hawaii, 0-1

Ranked ahead of Nebraska despite a 44-10 scoring deficit against UCLA. The reason is simple: body clocks. “But every Hawaii game is a body-clocks game,” says the hater. “So what?” says the teacher.

And now we reach the dividing line between FBS teams that haven’t won games and FBS teams that have won games.

That dividing line is this Alcorn State fan.

I can't stop laughing at this pic.twitter.com/s76qzfYcOj

— CJ Fogler #BlackLivesMatter (@cjzero) August 29, 2021

6. UTEP, 1-0

Beating up on New Mexico State is not playoff-worthy behavior. We should keep this in mind when Alabama does it on November 13.

5. San Jose State, 1-0

Well, 100 percent of the Spartans’ wins this season are over FCS teams (such as Southern Utah, 45-14), so I’d prefer not to rank them in the playoff top four.

4. Fresno State, 1-0

Well, 100 percent of the Bulldogs’ wins this season are over teams that should be FCS teams (such as UConn), but life’s not about what I prefer.

3. UCLA, 1-0

Chip Kelly’s veteran Bruins took care of Hawaii before a crowd of dozens.

That’s not mockery. There are better things to do in Southern California on an August afternoon … such as staying home and watching Nebraska-Illinois!

2. Illinois, 1-0

Victors in August’s GAME OF THE MONTH, a masterpiece from the chaotic opening moments onward. For a while, this was the 2021 season’s entire scoreboard:

Then it got worse, which was awesome.

Nebraska-Illinois has had the following:
• Safety
• Illegal forward pass on a punt return
• Two missed XPs
• A coach not knowing the down
• A 75-yard touchdown run
• A scoop and score
• A snap over a QB's head
• A team trying to overcome a 21-point deficit.

— Ari Wasserman (@AriWasserman) August 28, 2021

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more Big Ten, one of the world’s most Big Ten men hit you with the finisher:

On if Bielema was fighting emotions after this win: "No. I was just sweating." #Illini

— Matthew Stevens (@matthewcstevens) August 28, 2021

Emotions? Me? No thanks, I’m Midwestern. Cheez-o-pete, it’s frickin’ warm. Shoulda worn my thin cargs. Time to eat a cold deer.

1. The Fansville Hot Dog Guy has proposed to the Fansville Mustard Girl

Sorry, only three playoff spots go to football teams. What, like a sport this heavily sponsored wouldn’t give a top-four ranking to a corporate overlord?

This time, I even think college football’s official alternate reality deserves to rank way up here, actually.

I’m all in on this commercial universe’s romance storyline and hope it gets dragged out through January. Bring me all the twists and turns. I want these kids together, but I want the road to be challenging, with entire weeks that make no sense. Just like the rest of college football, you see.