Ask Amy: Boyfriend’s hoarding messes with relationship

Dear Amy: “Dave” and I have dated for four years.

We love each other and are both committed to our relationship.

Although we have both agreed not to marry, having survived devastating divorces, we have talked at length about consolidating our homes and moving in together.

My trepidation has completely paralyzed me.

Dave is a professional who earns an extremely good living. He is very particular in his dress and grooming. His house, however, is a nightmare!

I believe that he is an extreme hoarder. He lives amid overwhelming clutter in every room (as well as throughout his multiple garages).

He has bank statements from the past 25 years, old food and expired pharmaceuticals, moldy books and papers, and on and on.

Although divorced for a decade, he has yet to discard his ex-wife’s clothing and books (she has told him that she does not want these things).

We had discussed the possibility of his moving into my house.

I keep my house fairly neat and organized. I am very afraid of his turning my home into the likes of his.

I also fear that my impatience with his disorganized habits would eventually lead to the breakup of our relationship.

We have also entertained the idea of selling both of our homes and jointly purchasing a townhouse or condominium in a gated community and making a fresh and clean start, although my concerns about his lifestyle persist. However, real estate brokers have told him that in his present state, his house cannot even be shown to prospective buyers.

He can’t seem to find any time to get to this task, despite the fact that he has reduced his work schedule to allow for two days off during the week.

I find it very unlikely that our relationship can ever progress beyond what it is now, and I am terribly frustrated and disappointed.

Your advice?

– Concerned

Dear Concerned: Your description of “Dave’s” home does indicate that he has a serious hoarding disorder.

And no – you should absolutely not “combine” households unless he receives successful treatment and demonstrates that he is in long-term remission.

Living with a hoarder is extremely stressful and unhealthy, for all of the reasons you are already experiencing.

If he moves into your home or if you two move into a new place together, Dave will likely hold onto his house and storage buildings (because he won’t be able to part with possessions, and his property is unsellable). He will then expand his hoarding into any household you two share.

Hoarding is not a character flaw, but a heartbreaking mental health disorder.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org) connects hoarding with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

Hoarding Cleanup (hoardingcleanup.com) provides a directory of (fee-based) cleanup services and mental health providers specializing in hoarding behavior.

Dear Amy: My wife and I are staying with my sister and her family for a while because our house is being renovated.

While staying with them, of course, we have witnessed how they do things, and I have a serious issue with how my sister is raising her children, who are 10 and seven.

They’re pretty nice kids, but honestly so far in life they are fairly useless. My sister and I grew up on a farm and by their ages we were extremely competent in taking care of ourselves. We also had barn chores after school.

Her children don’t really do anything to help the family at home. They don’t make their own beds (my sister does it), don’t put their school lunches together (my sister does it), and they only take care of the dog when an adult reminds them.

I feel strongly that she is raising them to be useless, entitled people. I believe it might be my duty as her older brother (and their uncle) to be honest about this.

My wife disagrees. We agreed to run this past you.

– Concerned Uncle

Dear Uncle: It is the height of entitlement to criticize your sister’s parenting choices – while staying as a guest in her home.

I suggest that you reflect on your own lofty attitude (while accepting your sister’s hospitality), and keep your thoughts to yourself.

Dear Amy: I was surprised by your response to “Worried Uncle,” who was about to host his heavily vaping teen daughter for a week.

You suggested that he should “not police” her for vaping products.

I disagree – “policing” is exactly what this girl needs.

– Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: The uncle had already stated the “no vaping” rule while at his home. That should be enough.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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