List: Topics to Be Discussed During This Year’s Seder, More or Less in the Order They’ll Occur by Elissa Bassist
Who’s watching what
What we should all be watching
What we want to watch but haven’t gotten around to it
Priorities
Concierge doctors
Traffic on the way to Seder
Highways and streets, pros and cons
Mistakes we’ve made
Where should we sit?
Why are we sitting here?
The repetition in the English translation of our Maxwell House-sponsored copy of the Haggadah
The wordiness of our Haggadah
Why is our Haggadah total nonsense?
Will we ever get a new Haggadah?
We’ll never get a new Haggadah
Tradition
The line at the deli
How much we spent at the deli
Who was working at the deli and what was he or she was acting like
When we are going to eat
Is there enough food?
There’s too much food
Is the food good?
The food is good.
How good?
The food is very good.
Better than last year?
The food is the best it’s ever been.
How’s the brisket; the brisket is cold; it doesn’t matter how the brisket is; the brisket is how it is, end of story.
Is any of this homemade?
How everybody should shut up
What we should/could/would have made
What we have time for
What’s making us busy
Upcoming vacations
Will it rain tomorrow?
Wasn’t it nice out today?
Who’s pregnant?
How pregnant?
Who’s anti-Semitic?
Who has thyroid problems?
Hormone pellets
Did the [Sports team] win?
Can you say [racial slur] anymore?
What about regular wine isn’t kosher?
Manischewitz is undrinkable
Who’s drinking too much Manischewitz?
I’m drinking too much Manischewitz
What year things happened in
People we won’t mention
Why are some people we think should be getting married not getting married?
Dating apps, what are they
Dating apps, cons and cons
Who’s suffering under patriarchy
Can we please talk about anything else?
Why Easter is schmegegge
Amanda’s opening the wrong door for Elijah; why is Amanda on the balcony; did Amanda open the right door yet; can someone else open the door for Elijah?
The flourless cake tastes better than regular cake and who can believe it
When are we going to find the afikomen?
Why aren’t I allowed to find the afikomen?
How old we’ve gotten, inexplicably
Reasons we love our grandparents
Who gets what after our grandparents die
Retina Display
Next year in Jerusalem, but how?
Everything that went wrong during Seder
How nice everything was at Seder
Post-Seder traffic
[Not politics]
What’s on now?