A couples therapist shares her best piece of marriage advice

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Rachel Sussman helps couples in crisis.

As a relationship expert and marriage counselor in New York City, she helps them work through squabbles such as financial disagreements or in-law struggles, as well as more serious conflicts like jealousy, infidelity, and anger management.

Even with such a wide range of issues, there's one piece of advice that she keeps coming back to:

Slow down and listen.

Active listening is a crucial component of any relationship. When communication feels frantic, like each person is trying harder to be heard than have any sort of exchange, no one wins.

"Your fantasy is that your partner should know you better than anyone," said Sussman. "So when your partner doesn't get you, when your partner doesn't agree with you, when your partner invalidates you, it can be a very lonely, scary experience." 

Sussman said it's okay to take some space and wait to process something before talking about it. If couples blast each other with endless streams of words without pausing or checking in, communication can shut down altogether. But if you slow down, ask thoughtful questions, and remain open to the answers, you can find out what's really going on.

"People tend to talk over each other, they tend to feel really strongly that they need to be heard," said Sussman. "But a lot of the devil is in the details."

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