14 Dos And Don'ts For Raising Siblings Who Actually Get Along

As an only child, I was in for the shock of a lifetime when my children first started properly fighting.

Of course, I knew siblings fought – I grew up alongside other kids and watched their close (and sometimes calamitous) sibling relationships with intrigue and longing.

But seeing my own kids fight was another experience altogether. There’s the screaming, hair-pulling, throwing things at each other. It’s like someone’s transported WWE straight into my living room. 

Siblings are going to fight. It’s only natural – I read somewhere that young children fight around 3-4 times per hour, on average. (Whew.)

But it got me thinking: as someone who’s new to this sibling business, and who’s watched family estrangement play out in the public eye, are there specific pointers I should be following now to help raise two kids who have a stronger bond in later life?

L.J Jones, BACP registered counsellor and author of Become the Parent You Needed, tells me: “Sibling relationships can be some of the longest-lasting in our lives, yet they’re often filled with conflict and competition in childhood, and even estrangement in later life. 

“The truth is, children aren’t born knowing how to navigate these relationships. They learn through experience, and crucially, through us.”

She often reminds parents that their role isn’t to eliminate sibling conflict, “as it is one of the most organic forms of character building and appropriate to their development stages, albeit extremely stressful for parents”.

Instead, their role is to “help children move through it in a way that builds empathy, emotional and physical safety, and connection”.

So, I asked therapists and counsellors for their top dos and don’ts for raising siblings who thrive. Here’s what they said:

The dos of raising siblings

1. “Treat all children equally in terms of attention, rules and consequences, this will ensure all children feel seen, valued and included.”

– BACP senior accredited psychotherapist, Debbie Keenan.

2. “Be consistent. Consistency does not mean perfection, difficult days can happen and it’s OK to get things wrong. What it does mean is that, for the most part, your children experience you as a reliable, predictable presence. They know what to expect from you, and that sense of security forms the foundation upon which healthy sibling relationships are built. When children feel safe and secure in their relationship with their parent/s, they have far greater emotional capacity to navigate their relationships with one another.”

– BACP registered child and adolescent therapist, Kemi Omijeh.

3. “Praise and recognise all siblings. Don’t compare each child’s strengths, offer balanced, individualised praise, so no child feels overlooked.”

– BACP senior accredited psychotherapist, Debbie Keenan.

4. “Encourage individuality and celebrate them separately. If they each feel they have unique skills and attributes to offer, this will encourage their self confidence in and out of your family unit.”

– BACP accredited therapist, Janey Morrissey.

5. “Build connection, not competition. Encourage teamwork, working together, rather than creating rivalry. Some rivalry is OK, but not if actively and consistently promoted, as this could embed resentment further down the years.”

– BACP senior accredited psychotherapist, Debbie Keenan.

6. “Give praise liberally when they work together to achieve things. This can engender a sense of positivity when they come together as a team.”

– BACP accredited therapist, Janey Morrissey.

7. “Spend one on one time with each child, so that they feel heard and seen. Siblings have to be in each others’ company a lot of the time and parents have to split their attention – giving quality time to each child every now and then helps them feel valued.”

– BACP accredited therapist, Janey Morrissey.

8. “Teach conflict resolution skills. It’s natural to want to step in quickly when tensions rise. But sibling conflict is not something to be eliminated; it’s something to be guided. 

“When we jump in as referees or problem-solvers, we unintentionally remove the opportunity for children to learn vital relational skills.

“Within timely restorative conversations lies the opportunity to teach them how to take accountability; a life skill to carry through life.”

– BACP registered counsellor, L.J Jones.

The don’ts of raising siblings

1. “Don’t have a favourite (even unintentionally). Children are highly sensitive to perceived favouritism, this can quickly damage sibling relationships and self-esteem.”

– BACP senior accredited psychotherapist, Debbie Keenan.

2. “If there are arguments or conflict, don’t always step in and solve the issue. Help them to healthily solve the disagreement by expressing their feelings to each other in a safe, measured way.”

– BACP accredited therapist, Janey Morrissey.

3. “Don’t compare or label. Comparison is one of the quickest ways to create tension between siblings and often leads to impaired esteem for the child being compared less favourably.

“Comments like, ‘Why can’t you be more like your brother?’ or even subtle labels such as ‘the sensitive one’ or ‘the easy one’ can shape how children see themselves and each other. Over time, this can lead to rivalry, resentment, and a sense that love or approval must be earned.”

– BACP registered counsellor, L.J Jones.

4. “Don’t apply inconsistent consequences. Different reactions to the same behaviour can create feelings of injustice, which in turn, can deepen rivalry. Keep clear, consistent boundaries for all.”

– BACP senior accredited psychotherapist, Debbie Keenan.

5. “Don’t minimise hurt. When conflict happens, it can be tempting to downplay it, especially if it seems small from an adult perspective. What this is actually doing is unconsciously informing children that their feelings are disregarded and unimportant. 

“Phrases like ‘It’s not a big deal’ or ‘Just ignore it’ can leave children feeling dismissed, particularly when the hurt comes from a sibling. Instead, start with validation: ‘I can see why that really upset you.’ Feeling understood doesn’t reinforce conflict; it softens it. When children feel emotionally safe, they’re far more able to access empathy and move towards repair.”

– BACP registered counsellor, L.J Jones.

6. “Don’t have unrealistic expectations. Consider your child’s age and where they are developmentally and emotionally before placing expectations around sibling relationships.

“For example, sharing is cognitively and emotionally challenging for children under the age of five. This does not mean you stop supporting them in learning how to share, nor does it mean the other sibling should always be expected to concede. Rather, it means allowing your understanding of  your child’s development to inform your expectations and guide how you navigate these situations with patience and realism.”

– BACP registered child and adolescent therapist, Kemi Omijeh.

NB. You can’t force them to like each other

Therapists note that even if you follow this guidance, you can’t force a relationship on siblings. As BACP accredited therapist, Janey Morrissey, notes: “Hard as it may be, you can’t force any human to like another human – sometimes siblings just aren’t a friendship match.

“It can be healthier to encourage their mutual respect and support for each other, rather than insisting on inorganic closeness.”