Best of Beth Ashley: Differences adding up to a nice spice in marriage

Editor’s note: The IJ is reprinting some of the late Beth Ashley’s columns. This is from 2009.

Me Stanford, him Cal.

I’m a Democrat, he’s a Republican.

Shall the twain ever meet?

I’m blessed with a husband whose tolerance is huge: He smiles when I go ape for my side, which I too often do.

When it comes to Stanford-Cal, we are pretty good sports. We went to the Big Game a few weekends ago, and neither of us let out a boo. When Cal won, I just shrugged, and he, bless his heart, didn’t gloat.

Wish that we could be that giving when it comes to politics.

Many people warn us that our marriage would be better served if we put politics off-limits completely. We have both protested that notion, believing that — as reasonable beings who enjoy an intellectual stretch — we can be civil, no matter what.

Not always, I’m ashamed to say.

I listen to the right-wingers on TV and frequently blow a gasket. He tries to calm me down.

“If your rage lasts for more than four hours,” he says, “please consult your doctor.”

Rowland is a dyed-in-the-wool conservative, though he favors the pro-choice movement and is a firm believer in gun control. He does, however, believe in capitalism, government solvency, bootstrap behavior and a person’s right to live as extravagantly as they can afford.

I am a near socialist, who wants to share what’s going around. (Not that I don’t love life’s goodies, too; not that I don’t enjoy the trips, the dinners out and the gifts he buys me.) But affordable health care for everyone? Yes, yes, yes.

Rowland is good-hearted about those who disagree with him. He describes a dinner party with his children, all liberals like me.

“Let me tell you some of the good things Dick Cheney did,” he told them, at which point, he says, “I looked up and everyone had left the table.”

He thinks that’s funny. So do I.

At a recent get-together, Rowland and Guy’s doctor/father-in-law were hammer and tongs about health care reform, to the point that Guy asked, “Do you think we should have an intervention?” Everyone, including Rowland, just laughed.

Sometimes I wonder how Rowland can stand me, when — completely intolerantly — I fulminate about tolerance.

“Why must they always attack Obama?” I ask. “What’s wrong with weighing the issues on Afghanistan? Taking his time on how to help gay people?”

We argue, but nobody wins.

Friends — amazed that I’m married to a Republican — ask if I am making headway. The answer is no, but not for lack of trying. Rowland meets my ferocity by pointing out that we agree on most things — religion, for example, and the importance of family.

I take comfort in remembering that my brother is a lifelong Republican, too, and thinks I’m a hopeless pinko.

We love each other to the max just the same.

I tell myself that Rowland is every bit as nice as my brother.

Oh well, I guess we are doomed to a life of debate.

If only he weren’t a Cal man, too.