Girlfriend does not want to have sex since baby and tells me to watch porn instead
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend makes me feel like a sex pest simply because I am affectionate and still fancy the pants of her.
We became parents a year ago and love being a family now, but I am really missing the connection we had and worried it may have gone forever.
I’m not about to cheat but I am concerned for the future of our relationship. I don’t want to become one of those resentful old guys who has been frozen out in the bedroom.
I’m 31 and she is 32. I know you’ll tell me to talk to her but I’ve tried that.
When I tell her I’m missing sex, she rolls her eyes, saying all men want to get their leg over the whole time.
Taking the initiative has become humiliating and I’m sick of the constant barrage of excuses; she’s too tired, too busy, not in the mood, or worried the baby will wake.
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Last night she even told me she would rather I watch porn when she isn’t around and stop asking her.
I feel completely deflated and know we are drifting apart.
I don’t want her to think I only care about having sex but it is an important part of who we were.
How can I get through to her without getting the usual eye roll?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Having children isn’t the only thing that puts the kibosh on a couple’s sex life. Stress, arguments and simply the length of time of being in a relationship can all pose their problems.
And I’m sorry but you’re right, I am going to tell you to talk to your girlfriend about your concerns. But here is how to get a positive response. Talk when you are both calm and take the conversation outside of the bedroom.
Explain to her that it isn’t just sex that you are missing, it’s the feeling of closeness and intimacy.
Having sex is great – for our mental health, our connection and our sense of wellbeing.
Unfortunately, society labels men as sex-mad, which undermines that men are often looking to feel needed and desired, just like women.
Once this difference in sexual desire becomes a problem it can be really ingrained.
To try and break this pattern. You could reassure her that when you reach for a cuddle or kiss, it doesn’t mean that you want sex and that sometimes closeness is enough.
The brilliant book How Not To Let Kids Ruin Your Sex Life by Dr Karen Gurney will help you.