My wife’s friendship with another school mum became sexual

DEAR DEIDRE: My wife started an affair with another mum at the school gate.

I caught them kissing and was horrified. Now I’m finding it hard to forgive her.

I’m 43 and my wife is 42. We’ve been married for 12 years and have an eight-year-old daughter.

Last year, I noticed that my wife seemed very distracted – she was no longer interested in talking to me, and certainly not interested in having sex.

She was also suddenly a lot more bothered about her appearance when she dropped off our daughter at school in the mornings – putting on full makeup and nice clothes, instead of heading out in leggings and a jumper.

I began to suspect she was having an affair, and confronted her.
She laughed and said I was being ridiculous.

But one day, when our daughter’s friend came for a playdate, the girl’s mum stayed for a coffee.

While the kids were upstairs playing, I walked into the living room and found my wife and the other mum kissing passionately. I was so shocked – it was the last thing I’d imagined.

They jumped apart and my wife made excuses. None of them rang true.

She eventually admitted they’d been having a relationship for a few months. Their close friendship had grown into more.

She said she wasn’t a lesbian, and couldn’t explain her feelings.
I told the woman’s husband, as I felt he deserved to know. He was angry and upset too.

My wife desperately wants me to forgive her. She says the affair was a mistake and she doesn’t love the other woman.

Part of me feels it’s not as big a betrayal as if she’d had sex with another man.

But I’m finding it hard to move on, regardless.

It’s not helped by the fact this woman is at the school gates every day.

What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife had an affair and lied about it.

The fact it was with another woman rather than a man doesn’t make it any less devastating.

She wants to make amends and rebuild your marriage, but you’re understandably finding this hard – not least because you can’t get away from the other family.

Some relationship counselling – alone and/or together – would really help you both to work through your feelings. You can find support through Tavistock Relationships (www.tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1960) who have online help available.

My support pack on Counselling will tell you more.