Inside secret Facebook group exposing sexual abusers on dating apps

Some of the alarming posts about men on the 'Are we dating the same guy? London' group on Facebook.

‘He sleeps with women without a condom, but has multiple STIs. He works in the police,’ reads a comment under a screenshotted dating profile of a man.

It is one of the hundreds of alarming warnings on a secret Facebook group, which has more than 17,000 members.

Dating apps are now so rife with sexual violence, harassment and unwanted nudes that women are having to seek ‘references’ for men on social media.

This is at least what Metro.co.uk learnt after joining ‘Are we dating the same guy? London’ on Facebook.

It is an online community where women can anonymously share ‘red flags’ about former partners, or request information – or ‘tea’ – about their matches.

‘Please be careful of this man. He comes across as nice, nerdy and considerate but he has severe control and domination issues,’ a recent post read.

‘He raped me on more than one occasion. He pressured me into sex many times, something that I know he has done to other women.

‘He also tried to control how I looked – my hair colour, clothes, nails, weight, etc.

‘I confronted him about all of those things and he apologised profusely and said he would change but he never did.’

Metro.co.uk looked at hundreds of posts – mostly screenshotted dating profiles – going back since May 2022.

On the surface, the purpose of the group is to help women verify if their partners are seeing other people.

But amongst the negative dating experiences, warnings about sexual assault and coercion are alarmingly common.

One woman revealed that a man whose picture was posted on the Facebook group had threatened to punish her for not answering his texts by ‘raping’ her.

‘He threatened me with this several times and then called me 20 times within 15 minutes after I hung up,’ she wrote.

‘He got verbally aggressive after I refused to pick up. He is desperate for women to call him and hear him w*nk over the phone.’

Another woman described ‘fleeing’ the house of her date after he ‘started kissing me more aggressively, being very forward, immediately putting his hand down my top and pressing me against the wall, grinding his crotch into me’.

A photo of a famous musician also appeared, alongside a warning: ‘Started lovely. As they do. Turned out he was sleeping with multiple women unprotected.

‘Manipulative and very believable. Violence then came – started off small but then resulted in a broken hand. Narcissist. All round horrible man. Be aware ladies.’

‘Are We Dating The Same Guy?’ started as a Facebook community for women in New York, but has since expanded across the US and internationally.

The group is private, and has an intense prescreen survey and guidelines. Usually, users have to wait a few days before they are let in.

Members are encouraged to share anonymously, and posts are monitored at all times by a team of 11 admins and moderators.

There are strict rules about what content is permitted, and anyone found to be of breach is kicked out.

Sharing of surnames, social media handles, phone numbers, addresses, or other personal information is forbidden.

Under no circumstances can screenshots leave the group.

Admins say it is about ‘protecting women, not judging men’, and any shaming, bullying or hate speech is banned.

This is part of their efforts to protect the legitimacy of the community and allow women to continue to verify their matches.

A number of members have posted about feeling ‘relieved’ and like they had ‘dodged a bullet’, with many vowing to not go out with the men who had received negative reviews.

‘You can find him on two dating apps. He is married and his wife lives in Turkey, where he travels to every month,’ a recent post about a man read.

‘He has a criminal record for domestic violence and even went to prison for it. He has a drinking problem and lies about being a business owner on dating apps.

‘He lives a double life, going out with several girls when he is in London, ghosting them afterwards.’

Men were also found out to had lied about their relationship status, name, age and job on dating apps.

Unfortunately, this is how some women discovered their partners had been cheating.

Several dating app profiles were also exposed as ‘catfishes’ – or fakes.

Photos of men were shared without much detail, just alongside a warning that read, ‘avoid at all cost’.

One man was described as a sex addict who ‘does not take no for an answer’.

A warning about him read: ‘I tried cutting off contact so many time and he finds different ways to contact me, turns up to house unannounced. He is also violent.’

Another woman detailed how she received ‘disgusting messages from a burner’ after she declined the advances of a date.

‘He then posted me on Twitter and included threats about coming to my house and beating me up,’ she recalled.

‘I reported him to the police and with the evidence they had they called to warn him. If he harasses again he will be arrested.’

A post about a man from Richmond read: ‘He has a sweet façade, but in reality he is a dangerous misogynist, a victim blamer on sexual assault victims and is a huge supporter of Andrew Tate.

‘He is also homophobic and would say violent things about LGBTQ+ people and people with mental illnesses and disabilities too.’

The allegations on the group paint a harrowing picture of what modern dating is like.

It is not a stretch to say that in the last decade, the way people meet has shifted, and predators have taken advantage of the anonymity that the online world has to offer.

Ultimately, such acts of violence disproportionately affect women, and LGBTQ+ people.

Last August, Metro.co.uk reported that the UK’s National Crime Agency found in 2016 that online dating-related rape had risen by more than 450% in the previous six years.

The research showed that men who otherwise had not committed sexual crimes fall into this statistic.

Nicky Brennan, victims’ commissioner for West Midlands Police, who has in the past spoken out about how rife misogyny is on dating apps, stressed not enough action is being taken to tackle it.

‘Women feel like they have been let down so much that they have to resort to a private Facebook group to protect each other,’ she tells Metro.co.uk.

‘Claire’s Law is not applicable in the early stages of dating. Something like it needs to available a lot earlier for women before they enter a relationship, before they develop feelings, they can make an informed choice.

‘There are just too many blockers involved. And women often blame themselves for what happens to them because there is so much victim blaming in society.

‘So, they think it is their responsibility to keep other women safe. It is the rhetoric of “If I reported it, or if he got convicted, or if I told someone about this, then others would not have been harmed”.

‘We hear from a lot of celebrities like Katherine Ryan who talk about people in their industry who are well-known for being handsy, and women know not to go near them. Ordinary people don’t have that privilege.’

As a victim of sexual assault and domestic abuse, Nicky has previously shared her own alarming experience with dating apps.

She finds the ‘overly sexualised and offensive’ language men use on dating apps is too normalised.

In the past, she recalls received messages like ‘I am going to smash your door in’ from matches.

Regardless, Nicky urges women with similar experiences to report incidents rather than post about it on social media, so they can go through the criminal justice process.

Otherwise, there is a risk for anyone sharing such warnings to be prosecuted.

She says: ‘British law states you are innocent until proven guilty. If a man finds out a picture of them is posted on the group, they are protected under libel law.

‘So, of course there is a risk for anyone posting anything on the group.’

Nicky adds: ‘It is a shame women have had to set up a Facebook group to vet men themselves because they feel they have been so let down by services and they think there is no other way.

‘It just shows how the criminal justice system is failing them. Women are almost taking vigilante action now.’

Do you want to share your personal experience using dating apps? Please email gergana.krasteva@metro.co.uk

Get in touch with our news team by emailing us at webnews@metro.co.uk.

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